Waiting for you… {a letter to my littlest love}

Dearest Baby Z,

Today–momma was nesting. I kept telling my heart over and over, “Mama Young, today is Sunday…you must rest.” But my heart–it wouldn’t listen. You see sweet one–mama is nesting. What is nesting you ask sweet baby? Well, if you research it–you will learn that nesting is a momma’s instinct that she has–a God-given instinct to clean and do various chores around her home to prepare for the baby she is carrying before he arrives. They even say it is the body’s natural way of letting the momma know her baby is coming soon. Only–you are already here…though you are much too far from me–you are around the world…and this instinct to prepare for you I’m afraid is gonna last until you are finally home–in our arms. Every little one belongs in the arms of a momma–and my longing for you is making me nest…clean, organize and even paint the walls of our kitchen…as we wait and long for you.

The whole fact that I’m naturally nesting–is such a miracle–God supernaturally making me into your momma and you my son. As I was cleaning your sister’s room today and organizing Lego’s in Frank’s room–I thought of you…I think of you a million times a day. While it’s natural to nest–it is NOT natural for a little one to not be with their momma and knowing you are across the world right now from me is almost too much for this momma’s heart to bear. Right now, I’m trusting God to take care of you…for the Holy Spirit to whisper to the special mommas how special you are…that they will be compassionate when you cry and pick you up and rock you. I want you to know that I’d give anything in the whole wide world to be there for you right now–to be the one rocking you…singing to you…loving you. I’ll get to experience every birthday, every baseball game, every graduation from kindergarden to college…but it breaks momma’s heart to not be there right now…putting you to bed at night and telling you how loved you are. I never want you to wonder how loved you truly are–we would come yesterday to bring you home if they’d let us–but we’ve got more hoops to jump through…more red tape to tear off…but the minute they say we’re good to travel we will be on the first flight around the world to bring you home forever. For the next 9 months or so, I’ll watch you grow up through pictures–and with each new update my heart will rejoice but I’ll also LONG to be the one behind the camera instead of across the world. I want you to know how we longed for you…how we dreamed of you…how we had to do crazy things like scrub grout with a toothbrush;) to keep from going crazy and calling our agency a million times to ask for an update or could they pretty please do something to speed the next step of the process up…because our sweet boy…and our hearts…are waiting.

YOU are already such a treasure to our family–and you are a dream come true for us! I’ve dreamed of you as long as I can remember–and when I saw your picture for the first time I just knew you were the one the Lord has always had for us…since He first placed that dream in my heart long before I was ever a mommy at all. Things won’t always make sense–but He is always bigger and His plans for our lives are always greater. I am so honored to get to be your mommy…and I just want you to always know how I longed to have you here while you were across the world. You are worth the wait my sweet boy. Trusting the Lord to care for you and for His hand of protection to be on you…praying you sleep peacefully tonight my love. Mama loves you so!

Love,

Mama