I walked in this morning with a lump in my throat.
And I walked out with it still there.
This has been the preschool I walked Parker into at just 18 months old–certain that he just *had* to get in this preschool. And after he did–that first day…I sat in the parking lot–and cried.
I also cried after his first Parent/Teacher conference when they told me he didn’t sit during circle time. Why doesn’t MY child sit? Is he going to be okay? Did I do something wrong? And now…7 years and nearly 4 children later–these first “conferences” are joy to my heart…and I understand now–that every child is different. So special. And now–if a teacher were to tell me my 18 month old didn’t sit during circle time–I would probably laugh…and ask, “Must they sit? Why would you want them to sit? HOW do you get them to sit? Would YOU want to sit and listen to that story? Or worse yet…if you were wearing a gel packed diaper–would you want to sit in it? Can you blame him?”
I’ve lived many memories at that preschool–and today was one of them. But my heart felt it was packing them up…and as I watched him I embraced the moment…listening to him sing sweet words of His Father’s love and I breathed slowly–wanting it to last forever…
We are in a trust season of walking by faith…learning what it means to just take one step forward in a world surrounding by unknowns. It’s an uncomfortable place to find yourself–and my children do it so much more beautifully than me. Recently, my husband changed platforms and a potential move is in our future. The timing to me…feels so
wrong crazy. We wait to get a travel date to bring home our son. Will it be 3 weeks or 6 weeks? Will our house really go on the market in a couple of weeks? What will we do if it sells while we are gone? Where will we live? During this transition–this important time for bonding…Lord will you carefully watch over us and guide us? Summer camps–where oh where will we even be? In the midst of unknowns…not knowing when our next child will come home, what any of this will be like…not knowing about a possible move…not being able to plan one inch of summer—and just taking one day at a time…living in TODAY…and trusting Him in the details.
Matthew 6:25-34 – English Standard Version (ESV) – Do Not Be Anxious
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
I keep sensing the Father’s words to me, “Do not worry. Trust me.”
And this is faith.
Faith means to release the worry–to EXHALE–and simply say, “Lord, among all the unknowns–I just trust You. This is the only thing I do know–I trust You.”
It’s okay to begin to process the changes you see on the horizon. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to want things to be different or to even miss what might have been. Sitting there watching Isaac sing…on the same stairs that Parker, Laney and Frank have…wanting our Zeke to share the same memories…to be surrounded by others who walked this year with us. It’s okay to be scared among the faith and to confess that to Him. I sat there thinking about Zeke singing one day…being in a new place–a different place…would we find community, friends…would the memories be as sweet? We all have unknowns, and although they all look different–they are no less worrisome. Yet the Lord tells us in His word not to worry about tomorrow–and to trust in His provision. He tells us to simply focus on the NOW–on today…and to live in it. He wants us to know that He has got this. He loves us. He sees us. We are not forgotten. If He clothes the lilies of the field and the birds of the air–how much more will He care for you…His child?!
Help me Lord to not live in the past nor the future–but just in today. Help me Lord to trust You and Your plans for my life and the lives of those in my family. Help me Lord to bring honor to you in this living by faith. I know I could stomp my feet and demand things not to change…and I just might actually get my way…but it is not my way that I really want—well…I kind of want my way…but with a beating heart, a lump in my throat and shaking knees…and a tear rolling down my cheek…I give my way to You Lord. Your way is better. It always is. Help us to trust You in the changes, in the unknowns and in Your perfect, beautiful and wonderful plan. No matter how beautiful change is–change is always hard. Give us courage Lord to trust You in it!