I hate war movies.
My husband, on the other hand, loves them.
Watching Band of Brothers with him…may be his love language.
Not too long ago, I walked into the living room to find my husband folding clothes (my love language) and one of the Brothers movies was on. I did my best to watch it with him…smiling when he looked over to see if I was really watching…asking questions…doing my best to take very little in of the violence. I mean, I know WWII happened–but Ooooo hard to watch those movies about it knowing it was real.
I’ll confess, honey (yes–I know you are a blog reader;), that I took in very little–but there is one scene that really spoke to me. And oddly about where I am…right now.
Someone tells me they are hurting–I listen. I encourage. I tell them I’ll pray for them.
I usually forget…and I don’t go there–weeping with those who weep…mourning with those who mourn…stepping with them in their pain to walk with them.
Someone tells me there is a little girl that needs a home. She’s almost 3 years old…she is beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. I ask my husband can we pray. He says yes. My heart leaps for joy. She’d fit perfectly in our family (besides the whole ‘maintain birth order thing’)…we say we want to be considered…another family is chosen–and my mommy heart for a moment breaks. I haven’t told anyone about her–but in my heart she was already becoming mine. I know God called me to pray for her. I think I’m really beginning to die the world–but I’m really not. It’s very easy to say yes to a beautiful almost 3-year-old girl.
A friend calls me who knew about this sweet girl and tells me she is advocating for twenty-five orphans who desperately need a home–ages 2-6 years. REALLY? They are beautiful. They all need homes. They need love. They are just like this beautiful almost 3 year old little girl. Oh forgot to add–one little, minor detail–that really shouldn’t matter…they all have HIV. Oh. Well, we are totally open to that…I think. I mean, well–now isn’t a good time. I mean–I have little ones and one in therapy now…not sure how that would or if it could work…I mean–we’re just not ready to add to our family again. Not sure if we are called to grow again.
I was thinking all of this on the way home and realizing sin and FEAR in my heart. How I think I have died to the world–but I have not. I think I am kingdom living–but am I really?
I want to live with no regrets, no reserve, no retreats. If I was living in the Kingdom of Heaven and looked down to see those 25 little ones…would my heart then want to do something about it? Shouldn’t I be living for the Kingdom now? What am I scared of? SURE not everyone is called to adopt. SURE everyone is not called to bring home HIV children or special needs or foster. And SURE I know, truthfully–we aren’t ready to grow our family again–it was God’s grace in choosing the other family BUT I also believe He wanted us to be obedient and step out…because I knew in my hearts we should–and we even wanted to. I am also not saying we need to or will be called to in the future…I do not know…but what I do know–is that I have fear in my heart that I do not want to be there. I want to be ready for whatever He calls me to do–and to be willing…and to not worry or wonder what the world might think.
I was processing…still processing…and
Then…that movie scene came to my mind…from Band of Brothers.
I still have fears.
But I can’t really live for the Kingdom come until I know that I’m already dead to flesh–that things are different in this world than they are in the Kingdom…that taking risks here for the sake of Love will require more than just being comfortable…or safe. As a believer…I do not want to fall asleep…get comfortable…forget to fight for those who deeply need to be fought for.
Now this movie clip might be a stretch…but it really speaks something to me—I can’t put my finger on it—but something in it is the way I feel…and I know that to be able to fight the way I’m supposed to in this world I have to live for the Kingdom…to die to my fears…and to be comfortable with being uncomfortable…
Some times I think about what it would be like if I didn’t know…if my life was just playdates, soccer games, girls night out and wonder what we can cook for dinner tonight. But I confess some times I wonder what that would be like if I didn’t know…but once you start to fight for others sake–once your eyes have seen they can’t forget—-going back in the hole or wanting the easy life just is no longer an option. But the crazier part of it is–there is so much MORE JOY when you start Kingdom living, taking risks for the sake of others and stepping a little closer to the front lines to fight for things you really believe are worth fighting for.
Lord, help me live for Your sake–and not my own. Help me not worry about what others think of me–and to just live for You.