As I sit here this morning listening to Chris Rice’s version of “It is Well” I am overwhelmed with His goodness…His plans…His purposes–even when they don’t make sense.
Right now–in my heart so many things stir.
But it is well.
As March approaches…I think about the baby we lost in September. She would have been welcomed in our arms this March. I see expecting mommies in the grocery or at a meeting out and about…or in a store…and I think about her. Our little angel girl.
A deep breath.
But I know–that His plans are perfect.
It is well with my soul.
I don’t understand why hard things happen–but I do know they are for His glory.
And while I refrain from running up to expecting moms to ask them when they are due to see how close their due date is to mine…to try to relish in some of their excitement…and to even be careful not to day dream this is where we would have been.
I do know that we would be readying for a little newborn today–and instead…today (and almost every morning lately) I’m impatiently checking my inbox in hopes there will be an email that we have received our LOA (Letter of Approval) to bring home our son who is waiting for us across the world in China–and whom we are desperately waiting for on this side of the world. My heart longs for him no differently…no less desperately…and in the most miraculous, beautiful way…a beautiful that only He could have weaved–it is well with my soul.
And this morning–I raise my hands to my King.
My heart still hurts for her…when I think of the baby we saw kicking around on the ultrasound–yet even in the hurt–my heart…it is healed. Just because we hurt or just because we are sad some days for what will not be…for the loss we might have experienced…just being there is hurt doesn’t mean He has not healed us or that His plans for us aren’t perfect. It is okay to feel the hurt–and it doesn’t make you less or mean you aren’t trusting.
And even in the moments of taking a breath when I remember–even when I’m a little sad…it is still well with my soul.
Some times I even have to say it out loud…and this is the sweetest worship to Him of all.
Jesus–even in the hard and the hurt and the changes in our stories…from our plans to embracing yours…IT IS WELL! It is well with my soul.
I don’t have to have an explanation–or to have our stories tied with a pretty bow…or to ever fully understand the complete masterpiece He is weaving in my life. It doesn’t have to make sense on this Earth…and for all of us it probably won’t…because this isn’t heaven…and to us–many things will never make sense.
Yet–when He is ours…when we have trusted Him…when we have seen Him work through the hurt and when we have felt His Holy Spirit restore our hearts and whisper to us that He loves us–that He hurts with us–and that He will be here…no matter what–we are free to raise our hands as some things are taken away and others so beautifully given. His children sense His presence and know His goodness through the storms and dust and days that are so beautiful…and it is well…ALL OF IT.
With all my soul–I raise my hands.
It is well.
It is well.
With my soul.
His plans…His purposes…they are good and although some times painful–they are good and glorious. We know this. If you are His–YOU KNOW THIS.
He can be trusted.
It’s okay to have our wheels stop and remember the loss. When we are His–it is even good to do this…not to forget–and to see parts of the beauty from the pain.
And I don’t know how long it will catch my heart…when I see a little pink baby carrier in the grocery–my wheels will might stop for a moment…and I’ll glance at her and smile…and I will be unable to not think of the one we lost. And then–His glory. I will look (or rather probably be chasing) my other littles…and my breath will be taken away as I look at our most precious Zeke and how it was HER story that led us to HIM. Her wings abled us to open our hands and say–boy or girl–or whatever you will…and this we saw him–and we knew…we KNEW…this was our son. His story also one of loss–of great loss…but with God’s beautiful hands and plans and purposes–He brings together–for His glory…for His ultimate plan. And I know with great joy and fatigue from chasing another most precious child I will say…It is well with my soul.
I can’t wait to have this son in my arms. And it is because of His power that I can go day to day with across the world while we wait. I know His timing is perfect–and I can’t wait for the day we board a plane and have this little love in our arms. It is because of His faithfulness we can continue to say even while longing…it is well with my soul. Truly a miracle.
Thankful for His plans and purposes. Thankful He is my God and can be trusted.
With a waiting, longing, trusting mommy heart,