I’m sitting here in the quiet of my home. Parker’s playing with his PlayMobile toys, Isaac is napping and Frank and Laney…I’ll confess–they are watching a Barbie movie (judge me if you want to…on either Barbie part or the movie part–really…it’s okay–today I just needed some quiet. They will be okay–I hope;).
This morning I went to a new doctor because I’ve been a little frustrated with doctors scratching their heads…giving me prescriptions…and feeling like the current holistic meds really aren’t helping. I found a new doctor that specializes in internal medicine and is really known for her work with infectious diseases (Lyme being one of them). I was kind of hoping she would tell me that everything looked great–and I could go on my way. BUT I really knew by my symptoms that probably wasn’t the case. And that was the case. Frustrating for a mommy who just wants to REWIND and hit PLAY again and get back on track with what was normal…and continue in our adoption in bringing home a little princess from the China special needs program.
I sat there today telling the doctor that maybe I was just crazy–but as she looked over my tests she assured me that I was not. Then I felt that bubble in my throat…wanting to cry…but I didn’t. As I listened to her go over my tests and order a million more…I had hope—that hopefully we are on the right track. We have gone out of our network to someone who comes highly recommended–and at this point–I just said I don’t care what we have to pay…just to KNOW what we are dealing with and to get mommy all better again. They drew more blood…even cut hair off at the roots for testing…you name it…and finally sent me home with lovely stool sample collection kits. Before leaving, I made another appointment for more blood work next week–and then came the bill.
I sat there…sad.
Not because it’s so expensive–although it does stink having to leave network for the best doctor to be able to treat you.
And I wasn’t sad because I’m up to my ears frustrated because my rheumatologist, infectious disease doc, opthamologist constantly contradict one another–because truly–I’m weird…and that part has been comical and entertaining to me. And I really feel like the LORD is leading me…and we are finally on to something–and in good hands.
Sad…because every month I watch our adoption savings account go away…to another blood test, another doctor…another thing recommended to help with a promised, faster recovery–which in my heart and mind really means bringing home a little girl who my heart longs for.
BUT…my plans are not His plans.
His plans are greater…
My heart…it does believe this.
And as I drove away–I was thinking that I bet we could be sweating some of these appointments had we not THOUGHT we were going to adopt and stashed every extra penny away for adoption expenses. Still…this wouldn’t be my first choice of alternative ways to use it. Just saying.
As I sat here–I heard His voice speak to my heart…MY WAYS ARE NOT YOUR WAYS…
I looked up Isaiah 55. (bolding is mine:)
“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,
because of the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.”
He has a purpose for ALL things.
Nothing from Him is without purpose.
EVERYTHING will accomplish what He desires for it.
And in it…before, during and after–He will lead out with JOY…He will lead out with PEACE.
Even the mountains and hills will burst out in song before me!
And instead of thorns…life will grow. Beauty will grow from hurt…and all this waiting–will be worth it…because His purpose–His story for your life and my life–always prevails. Nothing can thwart God’s purposes.
This life that springs out in the darkness…
FOR THE LORD’S RENOWN.
And the purpose…the fruit from it…will not go away.
As I sat there today–I desperately wanted to REWIND. But not now. I know this is good. Now…I just dream of the fast-forward. Not to rush through any of it…but the excitement, the expectation, know the purpose one day of what all of this was for. I have a feeling that I will look back and be thankful for all of this–and that I’ll even say that I’d do it all over again. Because I really believe His story for me–is going to end that beautifully.
Blessings to you as you wait on His beautiful plan for your life.
Love you all to pieces in Christ Jesus…