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When things don’t work out like you planned…

I’m sitting here in the quiet of my home. Parker’s playing with his PlayMobile toys, Isaac is napping and Frank and Laney…I’ll confess–they are watching a Barbie movie (judge me if you want to…on either Barbie part or the movie part–really…it’s okay–today I just needed some quiet. They will be okay–I hope;).

This morning I went to a new doctor because I’ve been a little frustrated with doctors scratching their heads…giving me prescriptions…and feeling like the current holistic meds really aren’t helping. I found a new doctor that specializes in internal medicine and is really known for her work with infectious diseases (Lyme being one of them). I was kind of hoping she would tell me that everything looked great–and I could go on my way. BUT I really knew by my symptoms that probably wasn’t the case. And that was the case. Frustrating for a mommy who just wants to REWIND and hit PLAY again and get back on track with what was normal…and continue in our adoption in bringing home a little princess from the China special needs program.

I sat there today telling the doctor that maybe I was just crazy–but as she looked over my tests she assured me that I was not. Then I felt that bubble in my throat…wanting to cry…but I didn’t. As I listened to her go over my tests and order a million more…I had hope—that hopefully we are on the right track. We have gone out of our network to someone who comes highly recommended–and at this point–I just said I don’t care what we have to pay…just to KNOW what we are dealing with and to get mommy all better again. They drew more blood…even cut hair off at the roots for testing…you name it…and finally sent me home with lovely stool sample collection kits. Before leaving, I made another appointment for more blood work next week–and then came the bill.


I sat there…sad.

Not because it’s so expensive–although it does stink having to leave network for the best doctor to be able to treat you.

And I wasn’t sad because I’m up to my ears frustrated because my rheumatologist, infectious disease doc, opthamologist constantly contradict one another–because truly–I’m weird…and that part has been comical and entertaining to me. And I really feel like the LORD is leading me…and we are finally on to something–and in good hands.

Sad…because every month I watch our adoption savings account go away…to another blood test, another doctor…another thing recommended to help with a promised, faster recovery–which in my heart and mind really means bringing home a little girl who my heart longs for.

BUT…my plans are not His plans.

His plans are greater…


They are…RIGHT?

My heart…it does believe this.

And as I drove away–I was thinking that I bet we could be sweating some of these appointments had we not THOUGHT we were going to adopt and stashed every extra penny away for adoption expenses. Still…this wouldn’t be my first choice of alternative ways to use it. Just saying.

As I sat here–I heard His voice speak to my heart…MY WAYS ARE NOT YOUR WAYS…

I looked up Isaiah 55. (bolding is mine:)

Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,
because of the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.”

He has a purpose for ALL things.

Nothing from Him is without purpose.

EVERYTHING will accomplish what He desires for it.

And in it…before, during and after–He will lead out with JOY…He will lead out with PEACE.

Even the mountains and hills will burst out in song before me!

And instead of thorns…life will grow. Beauty will grow from hurt…and all this waiting–will be worth it…because His purpose–His story for your life and my life–always prevails. Nothing can thwart God’s purposes.


This life that springs out in the darkness…

Will be–


And the purpose…the fruit from it…will not go away.

As I sat there today–I desperately wanted to REWIND. But not now. I know this is good. Now…I just dream of the fast-forward. Not to rush through any of it…but the excitement, the expectation, know the purpose one day of what all of this was for. I have a feeling that I will look back and be thankful for all of this–and that I’ll even say that I’d do it all over again. Because I really believe His story for me–is going to end that beautifully.

Blessings to you as you wait on His beautiful plan for your life.

Love you all to pieces in Christ Jesus…


marci - February 7, 2012 - 4:07 pm

Praying for you continually,Andrea. Dr. Rick Boden is an infectious disease doc and I wish you would see him. I believe God works throuh his hands. Please know you are being lifted in prayer and the Angels and Saints are surrounding you with their love and comfort. Pax and hugs,Marci

Jolene (Homespun Heritage) - February 7, 2012 - 4:24 pm

Oh, Andrea, my heart breaks for you. I have been there. Where the symptoms are strange and the Doctors are stumped…until one day the simplest of complaints sparks a thought, blood work was ordered and thought confirmed into diagnosis. Treatment wasn’t especially fun, but I am in recession now, praise God! It was a long and tedious journey but on this side of it I see the Lords hand.

Polymyalgia Rheumatica….you might have stumped the thinkers but God wins in the end!

Megan - February 7, 2012 - 4:31 pm

Such precious, refreshing words from God. Love that passage!

When you’re healthy and ready to begin the adoption process again, in His timing, He’ll provide those funds to bring your little girl home! Everything is His anyway…He’ll provide.

Praying that this new doctor has some answers for you!

Alison - February 7, 2012 - 4:36 pm

Needed this today, Andrea! Thanks for this sweet encouragement from the Lord!

Katie F - February 7, 2012 - 4:46 pm

Andrea, I know you don’t know me but I just wanted to thank you for sharing a piece of your heart. Our adoption journey started the same month that I was diagnosed with some serious hyperthyroidism and so we immediately had to stop everything and wait.
I, too, remember watching the money that we wanted to use for adoption going to drs instead.

But what you wrote at the end about someday looking back and hoping to be thankful for this? That is so glorifying to your Heavenly Father! And in my experience, I absolutely have seen that to be true. I wouldn’t have chosen this timing and this path but all that God has done through this has been beautiful and worth it. (Not because the pain was beautiful, but because Jesus became more beautiful to me through it.) And even though I’m not 100% healed, I am healthy enough now to be getting ready to apply to agencies for our domestic adoption!

Praying for you in the wait.

Jenn Cooper - February 7, 2012 - 5:11 pm

Andrea…maybe we are twins separated at birth? Not sure. But this week has been FULL to the brim with medical testing here too and I am getting ready to start an experiemental non FDA approved drug in order to get better. It is hard. But God DOES have a plan for your good (and mine…I have to tell myself this EVERY morning). Hoping I get to see you again soon friend. Praying for you!

Larisa Maibach - February 7, 2012 - 6:02 pm

Oh Andrea…thanks once again for sharing your heart and God’s heart too. You have been an inspiration to me for such a long time, and just know that we are lifting you up in prayer right now.

We too, have been through the wringer with auto-immune diseases – sometimes waiting and waiting for a diagnosis and sometimes just walking through the gritty, day-to-day existence of living with pain and body parts that don’t function properly. Granted, in our case it’s my husband and not me, so I’m coming from a different perspective. I do know what it’s like, though, to wonder how in the world all of the health problems and expense are going to dovetail into the adoption that you KNOW God has led you to. I know about stretching yourself through hundreds of tests and plenty of procedures and surgeries. I know what it’s like to pray for healing, to be anointed with oil, and to be WAITING on God’s promises. But I also know that God is FAITHFUL, and that sometimes it is the hardest things that show you just how big and amazing and complete He is. It has been in the moments when I’ve needed His help just to breathe through the panic that I’ve learned the most about who He is and how much He loves me. We would never have chosen the road of sickness and disease, but I believe with all my heart that God turns Satan’s evil into amazing beauty, and because of that, we’ve had experiences that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never by shaken.” Psalm 62:1-2

Amy - February 7, 2012 - 7:05 pm

I am so sorry this is happening to you. We are praying for you.

Amber - February 7, 2012 - 7:59 pm

Can I thank you for ministering to my heart in the midst your own questions and hurting?

We’ve gone through alot of medical questions in the years leading up to our adoption and even some during. We too, have spent large sums of money on tests that seemed to go no where and that seemed so useless in the scheme of our heart’s cries and the needs and the hurting we saw in others and across the world.

Yet can I say that God has used these experiences . .. and smaller bank accounts to strip back layers in my heart and life and showed me much security I found in a padded savings account and more than I had ever wanted to admit? It’s been humbling and hard at times to face the truth of that.

But what I have loved is being able to watch GOD fund our adoption and claim no credit of our own. It has required so much more faith on my part to take this journey without the end in sight and God has amazed me by His provision where I never saw it coming. I don’t mean to imply this is the lesson you need to learn at all – but God used it in my own life and it has been humbling seeing Him provide through others. In fact, I love how you already see His faithfulness in giving you a means to meet your current needs. I’m confident He’ll provide the future ones too.

I think that’s what I get excited for you guys. . . to see how God is going to continue showing you His face, His faithfulness and His provision still to come. It’s what I’m trusting in our own story and will be praying for you in yours.

And tonight? Know you are in our prayers. That as you face your own struggles amidst so selflessly giving to others that God will just surround you with His peace, His encouragement and His HOPE for what’s to come. That you can find the strength to love your littles to the extent your heart feels for them and that your family will be blessed for the love it’s shown so many.

blessings . . .

Laura wellon - February 7, 2012 - 8:45 pm

I have been going through the same thing and have moved to progressive (Christian based group) and they had been wonderful. I also attended Henry Wrights be in health conference and learned a ton there about disease and how God wants us to be in health not disease. If you ever want to talk about it, let me know!

Julie - February 8, 2012 - 8:35 am

Thank you for sharing! What a beautiful reminder that God’s plans are for our good. (He makes all things beautiful!, I am currently wearing my retreat tee shirt with that message.)

I too have struggled with auto-immune issues, and know the stress of dealing with 5 specialists who are all puzzled and giving conflicting messages about how to treat the current situation. I pray that you will receive relief from the symptoms and healing from whatever the real cause turns out to be.

As a fellow homeschooler, do not sweat the movie day. We all need days like that, even when we are healthy.

Jessica - February 8, 2012 - 3:27 pm

My girls love “Barbie” movies too. And I think that most of them are quite innocent and sweet. No judgements here. 🙂

Your words are such an encouragement. God’s plans are better than our own but I know sometimes it doesn’t seem like things are working out for our good. This is a good reminder for me today. Because I also sit in a place where things just dont make sense. Thank-you for your encouragement.

Robyn - February 8, 2012 - 9:06 pm

hang in there. praying for answers first and foremost! and then when God gives the green light, i will have my adoption financial website up and running and you can be one of the first to use it!

Cara from PA - February 9, 2012 - 9:50 am

Andrea, I have never met you but pray for you regularly. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You bless me so much. 🙂

sara - February 9, 2012 - 3:48 pm

so true sweet friend. His plans are {always} greater…even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time!! i wouldn’t trade the past year for you know, it has looked much different than we thought..praying you get to see a glimpse of clarity and the why behind it all!! much love!

Leilanni - February 11, 2012 - 6:50 pm

Oh, Andrea! First, I just now found your blog . . . how did I not know about this gem until now??!! Your writing and your faith are amazing and I have drawn great strength from both lately. This post was word for word what I needed to hear today. Actually, it was more what the Lord wanted me to read. And, while I’m not there yet, I’m also hoping to stop wishing for Rewind and be content where we are, trusting Him and His purpose right now. Thank you for sharing this 🙂