Last week when I went to hear a well known parenting author talk at a church here in Atlanta how he believes attachment is a myth for our adopted children, I spoke up asking how his theory would then explain the different levels of neurotransmittors in children who are from hard places due to malnourishment, […]
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Category Archives: Adoption PreparationYesterday I went to a meeting at a local church where John Rosemond (well-known author on parenting) wanted to guide and share his theory that attachment is a MYTH (you can click here to read one of his articles to read a bit of his 2 cents here) and that our adopted children need “the […] Grrreat, just what adoptive parents need to hear – NOT! I am a bit of a mushy gushy mama as it is – I still “wear” my almost 17 month old because I love being close to her! I can’t imagine being heavy handed with any of my children, let alone an adopted one. Boo! I am so thankful that God is not heavy handed with me and loves me where I am at…takes my hand and moves me to where he wants me! I pray that I approach my parenting with love and grace understanding there has to be structure too. Thanks for sharing! so, so heart-breaking. i can’t tell you how deeply this disturbs me. attachment does not just pertain to adopted kids. it pertains to bio kids as well. studies show that 45% of low-income/high risk bio kids and i want to say 30% of “normal” kids are insecurely attached. all kids need to know that their voice matters. having parented two securely attached bio kids, then a baby from Ethiopian with pretty serious attachment issues initially, it have been SO clear that she was a *hurting* child. i had to take the initiative to work toward secure attachment, to show her i was dependable when she believed in the deepest parts of her being that she could depend on *no one*. it has taken a long time (been home 1 year soon and still not totally there). it has been painful for everyone, but so very worth it. thank you, thank you for warning people about this person. it’s just gut wrenching to read this stuff coming out of the christian community. and in terms of discipline, it’s nothing new. so many christian parenting “experts” do not understand that the Hebrew women on the OT breastfed until their children were 3-5 years old, carried them, comforted them, slept near them. God is described as loving US in that same tender way. biblical parenting is NOT about being a control freak or raising mini-robots. it’s pouring yourself out to show God’s great love in a tangible way. i’m sorry for all the typos above — i meant “a baby from Ethiopia”, “it HAS been so clear”, and “the Hebrew women OF the Old Testament”. i didn’t proofread well enough because i was still reeling from the post! attachment is near and dear to my heart… I had to weep after reading your post. We had no instruction what so ever when we adopted our first child. We have stumbled around and we love her so much, yet we come from a legalistic background and I know its not working and I felt like we were causeing her more problems. I am so thankful that you posted this so we can get good instruction for the two new babies we will be bringin home soon from Ethiopia. Thank you so much agian for posting this. I finally feel like there is some hope and I have someone reliable to go to. WOW-have read a book of his and never would have suspected him to say that at all!!!! SHOCKED!!!!!! I think there is such a balance with any child, but especially a child that has been hurt. With 8 different children all have come from very different places…..I can say that it has sooo much to do with personality, with where they came from, with circumstances – some you may or may not know of, and how their heart heals. This is sooo different for every child. I have read a couple of his books, and while some advice was helpful….in the end I found myself wondering if he had ever parented before. A 6 step plan is a nice idea…..and if it really worked we could all just follow the “rules” and turn out happy, dependable, responsible kids! However, I felt his books gave very little room for the “real meat” of a person…their heart. We all have strengths, weaknesses, sins, shortcomings, hurts…..and I believe each child’s little heart must be healed and guided a bit differently for each child. Yea for attatchment! We need to attatch to our kids so that we can learn, seek out and discern (with much prayer and wisdom from the Lord) how to best love each individual child and help them to heal and thrive! I am a little surprised he used the term “authoratative discipline”…..I did not glean that from his books! I really appreciate Dr. Purvis and all I have learned from her! Thank you for this post! You gave me a lot to think about. We are adopting from Ethiopia and I am learning a lot from those of you who already have your children home. From what I’m reading I agree with a lot of the attachment philosophy and really try to connect with my own kids in that way. Even in our biological family we have times where we need to spend with each child for a “healing” session because they are harboring hurt or misunderstanding. So, a lot of this is already resonating with me. I think that attachment is going to be really important as we bring an adopted child into our family and I don’t want to make light of it or jump to the next part of my thought too quickly, which is: How do we know when it is the right time to enforce the obeyance of family standards/rules? (And I don’t mean enforce in a harsh, dictator-like way. Maybe “holding accountable” would be a better phrase than “enforce.”) I mean that all of my children are guided through how to be a part of our family, how to interact with one another in a loving and Christ-like way, and the older a child gets the more we help guide them in becoming responsible for things like picking up their rooms, doing their school work, etc. I’m not one to be legalistic, but I also want to make sure I’m not swinging the pendulum too far the other way and neglecting that piece with my adoptive child, especially since we will consider him or her part of our forever family. (Btw: we are adopting an infant, so I know this doesn’t apply in the same way for those adopting older kids.) Two things I hope for my kids besides loving God and serving Him with their whole heart are that they know they are loved by us and are confidently moving into age-appropriate independence so they can one day be secure adults contributing positively to society. I hope this comes across right because I am in no way trying to be controversial. I am merely at the beginning stages of it all trying to ask the right questions so I can be the best parent for a child who needs nurture and structure. Sorry to write a novel. I will keep reading your posts to see what else I can learn along the way. Rory Cookman Andrea thank you for directing me to Dr. Purvis’ talk. Very interesting and compelling. One thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is how the gospel of God’s unmerited favor looks and plays out, so to speak, in our parenting. He is all about relationship–relationship is the essence of the gospel. And I want my life to reflect the beauty and power of God’s grace. Every part of my life–especially my parenting. Good for you for going and speaking up! I am seeing the confusion in our little guy as he has started 3 visits a week with bio dad who he does not know. It is heartbreaking. That is crazy to think it is a myth. “…or we can get old and do something.” -Kim Anderson WOW. Thank you Kim for opening your home, heart and family—and for choosing to do something. Chosen ones from preston gannaway on Vimeo. “That’s our God…He can take bad things (situations) and make them good…and that is what He has done in Job’s life…” Job’s […] Amazing. Beautiful. Love. Amazing stories. Thank you for sharing… my world seems pretty insignificant when I’m consumed with what’s just happening right here in my own little circle… I have been reading your blog backwards.. (It’s just how I roll) Just wanted to say that I am all the way in WA and go to church with those sweet boys in that video. Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 I have never experienced fatique and the weight of burdens more in my life than after we brought home our newest son. Would he be okay? What would he be like […] your posts are always so encouraging! thank you so much for your research and heart! i am also checking because i ordered a t shirt i believe before xmas and haven’t received it yet and wondered if there was a mistake, i know that my card was charged though. thank you andrea. Very grateful, Sara Thank-you for sharing such a beautiful post… I am so glad to have stumbled upon your blog which is also beautiful! We have three littles (2 bios babes and 1 Ethiopian princess) and we are in the process of adopting again from ET… twins this time… I look forward to reading along on your blog! Praying for you, and all those involved in the making of the retreat, as you prepare in these final weeks. =) Oh this momma’s heart is just so excited!!! Can’t wait to “go to the well” and refill!!! Another beautiful post. I LOVE when you guys make post requests!!! I’m going to do my best to do a post for as many requests that come my way…so thank you for telling me what you would like more on! Because I This post is wonderful!! Thank you so much! Our son is 2 1/2 but he still loves these kind of games. He now talks in sentences and so something that I try to do a lot is having “My Favorite” conversations. I make sure he is sitting on my lap looking in my eyes and I ask, “What is your favorite…blue or green? Do you like dogs or cats better?” He loves it and we are having a conversation and I’m getting a lot of eye contact as well. Seems kinda basic but whatever works! 🙂 I can visualize you doing all of these games with ITY, Andrea, and it totally makes me smile. Have a great day!! I love, love, love to turn on music (any kind of music: veggie tales, irish instrumentals, tobymac) and dance with Naomi. She loves it. We just go “with it”. Sometimes she’ll stand and move on her own. Sometimes we’ll hold hands and sway. Sometimes I’ll hold her while we spin and bounce! It’s fantastic. These are great! We do a lot of this, as well. Some other things that have worked for us are rolling or bouncing a ball together, playing “Ride the Horsey”, having R run to me and then tickling her (you can keep this in your back pocket for later!). Sometimes when we tickle I build up the anticipation by saying “I think I’m going to tickle you on your _____” – that keeps her looking at me. Many times, I will also just touch my nose and say “look at mommy” (read that from another blog). Thanks for posting your ideas! Thank you Andrea. I really appreciate the dialogue and ideas on this topic. With our baby girl, now 14 mos, we have done most of the ideas you mentioned. Also, we do a lot of “where’s your nose? Where’s your eyes… Where’s Mommy’s nose, etc.” Or put a receiving blanket over both of our heads so we are looking at each other and giggling. And we dance together (with me holding her)… and of course, bottle feeding, even after the dr. said we could wean her. For our son, whom we brought home just before his 3rd birthday, we play catch, or roll a hotwheels car back and forth – we wait til he looks at our eyes before tossing/rolling the item back to him. Also, at bedtime, I give him a sippy cup as though feeding a baby (amazing to me, this activity was initiated by him at about the 2 month mark and we haven’t missed a night since.) He and my husband play “hug blitz” where they basically charge at each other, with eye contact, and then hug/wrestle. It’s loud and hilarious to watch. I’m sure there’s more; basically we’re just constant and intentional about eye contact throughout the day. These are awesome… sometimes I just can’t get my brain to be creative so these are awesome to have in your back pocket! Such good information you are sharing with us- love it!!! Thank you! Andrea- We are home 3 months with our son… he came home at 1 year old. It is so good to hear that some days you have almost no eye contact, and have to step back and refocus on connecting. I can so relate to that… (like just this evening). Thanks for the facts about infants and the eye contact in those early months. I can really see this having bio children. I so want those connections to happen with my little guys! |
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Mr. B and I have been listening to some of my CDs from C4C and he especially appreciated Amy Monroe’s talks. We’re hoping to attend the E2C conference in Nashville in September and in the meantime to work through the study guide together. The website is so full of helpful resources. And I just have to say that I am so proud of you for having the courage to speak up and post about your objections to these other theories. I am stunned that these things are being taught to parents and so saddened to think of children with broken, wounded hearts being raised by people who follow this model–especially with all of the research and feedback that we have from internationally adopted children over the last 30-40 years.
Hello!
Thank you for sharing more informoation about how our childs’ history effects them. My husband and I are working on our homestudy to adopt from Ethiopia and will also be in Denver in April. I hope we can meet then!
Beth
the U of MN adoption clinic also has several hours of workshops on attachment available for free on their website here – http://www.cmh.umn.edu/events/Workshop%20Descriptions.html
i’ve listened to them and they are *excellent*.
one of the peds at the international adoption clinic there, who has reviewed the files of over 15,000 children says this,
“The chance of an institutionalized child being completely normal on arrival in your home is essentially zero!” Here is the full letter: http://www.peds.umn.edu/iac/topics/letter/home.html
i am concerned for the adoptive children being parented in the way you discussed above. there are a lot of myths out there surrounding healthy infant adoption. there are many who feel they are “saving” the child. that mentality, i feel, can create an attitude where the child *owes* the parent something – gratitude, good behavior, etc. it also may not prepare parents for the real challenges they will face in parenting an adoptive child. i strongly feel that if christian parents cannot meet the special needs of their adoptive children, then they should look for other ways to help orphans and widows. adoption is so expensive and so much good could be done with that money if given to people who would be good stewards of it. adoption is only a small (tiny) solution to the orphan crisis.
WHAT?????? Comparing children to dogs- OK this is where I would have lost it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
🙂 Whew…ok anyway….thank you for sharing these videos 🙂
I hope & pray that the adoption docs are explaining that a large percentage of problem behaviors are due to the brain & Sensory Processing Disorder. SPD is prevalent in most children who have been in an orphanage over 1 yr & if they get OT therapy before the age of 6 it results in normalized behavior. Through Sensory Integration Therapy exercises by a certified Occupational Therapist these behaviors decrease or virtually disappear. It reprograms the brain & normalizes the brain’s chemical (neurotransmitter) over or under response. So many of these kiddos are being misdiagnosed with ADHD & other disorders & it just breaks my heart. I am hoping that the books “The Out of Sync Child” & “The Out of Sync Child has Fun” by Carol Stock Kranowitz are being recommended by the adoption docs. I am so glad that you are advocating educating moms on the brain & how they can help their children heal. You are changing lives for the better! Fabulous info!
I think every adoptive parent should be educated on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It has a HUGE affect on the neurotransmitters and the bonding that adoptive parents and children experience. I experienced it with my son when I was diagnosed with cancer when he was only 4 months old and we missed that crucial bonding period. We have gone through a “re-bonding” period much like what adoptive parents and children experience and it has been amazing and life changing. He has begun to thrive in so many areas that we didn’t even realize he was behind.
Hey Andrea! Two things: (1) I want you to know I made your Valentine’s fortune cookies for my three kiddos as well as the two girls I teach next door, and they were a total hit… and (2) that’s awesome that you’re coming to Denver in April! We were trying to figure out a way to get me to that conference, and we even live right here. 🙂 We need to hook up!
-Nikki