Someone told me that. I had heard it. But now I’m starting to really get it. And I’m afraid my agency should have had “faint of heart” on my physcial for my doctor to check off during my paper chase…because I think I might have had to check it. But since that wasn’t asked—we slid through…and now we wait. At 28. That rhymes;). Ok…that made me smile—which I needed…today has just been one of those days. And if you are a close family or friends…that is why you haven’t heard from me…today.
I wish I could explain what my heart is feeling today—and what it has been feeling all week. I pulled over today at a McDonald’s to step out of my van to cry so my three kids wouldn’t have to see mommy cry. While “Seeds Family Worship” blasted inside with 2 precious preschoolers and a baby–I sat on the bumper of my mini-van and cried. On the phone with me was my sweet Ethiopian AGCI case worker. She called to check in as she knew some of my heart’s heaviness. Sweetly she listened, agreed and identified.
I can’t really explain what my heart feels without writing a book. What I do know–which doesn’t feel like much–is that Richard and I feel called to bring a child home and my heart has begun to feel desperate for him. While I want to say, “We would like to consider and pray about EVERY child on the waitlist”…due to having a 12 month old baby, all the children ON the list, we do not qualify for. While I stand in line as family 28—I want to leave the line and say, “Hey, where’s the baby no one is waiting in line for? That’s the child I want! And the reason no one is standing in line for him…some may say it’s because of his special needs…but it’s really not…it’s because he is mine!!!” Yet, our agency requires you to maintain birth order. The Lord led us to this agency that requires that. And so…the wait continues. Although my heart LONGS. Is this how YOU felt LORD waiting on ME to accept YOU?! Did you cry in frustration longing for the wait to be over? Did you KNOW I would be YOURS one day—so you longed for me beyond anything anyone could imagine…yet you had to wait…although the wait didn’t make sense…your arms and heart were open…WIDE OPEN…and even with other children…you LONGED for me!!!! Thank you Lord for allowing me to understand Your love a little bit more. I don’t like it. But thank You.
There is more. A lot more. A lot more questions. Concerns. Unknowns. And we are praying for direction, confirmation and whatever the wait is with all of them. I don’t know much…but what I do know is how I feel about my child—so with that—a note to you.
My precious beloved son,
How we love and long for you!!! There isn’t a day, hour or even minute of my day that I don’t think about you and bringing you home. The Lord has done this! He has made me your mommy already—and in my heart I am already carrying you. Your sister Laney pitched a good fit today. And I had the right mind to join her. I wanted to kick and jump and up and down and say, “BRING ME MY SON! He belongs here with me!!! In my arms!!!!” But for YOU—I will WAIT! I will wait because I know one day I will look in your eyes as I hold you and I will say, “I WOULD HAVE WAITED FOREVER FOR YOU.” There were times when I was afraid I would do the wrong thing at the wrong time and might never find you, so daily I trust the Lord for His guidance. Can you believe how much you are loved?! Can you believe this mommy with 3 babies ages 5 years and under is completely and utterly uneasy and unsettled without YOU here!!! Can you believe how much God loves YOU to put YOU on your other mommy’s heart a WORLD away!!! When you meet me for the first time, I don’t expect you to love me right away. But know that I have loved for quite some time before I ever held you. (That will just explain later why I held you so tight when I finally got to hold you for the first time!) We can’t wait to finally have you home. And once you are here-we are family forever. There is nothing—absolutely nothing that could ever, ever, ever change our love for you. Nothing you could do, nothing you could say…no fit you could pitch like your sister today…could ever change our love for you. Before time began, the Lord knew the number of hairs on your head and all your days were numbered…and before we even met…we were utterly, hopelessly—tears running down my cheeks—madly in love with YOU.
And YOU are WORTH the WAIT.
Yes, I’ll even wait forever for you. But I’m hoping it’s much shorter than that:)
Love,
Mommy
by admin
I can really sympathize with how you're feeling. It is so hard to try and think about anything but my baby and it just doesn't seem like anyone in real life gets that! They all think I'm crazy!
Thankfully I have people in blogland who get it! I think the fact that referrals are slooooooow right now is making it worse.
I have felt really desperate with the waiting lately and I just know that after we get our referrals and have to wait for court dates and travel dates it is going to be so much worse. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to make it through this process.
Thank God for blogging friends who understand 🙂
i am sorry for the heaviness in your heart. i know this journey is full of joy and pain. it can be really confusing. i remember the longing. the adoption process lives out the truth of proverbs 13:12. hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. i look forward to the day when you will be able to say those sweet things to your son, face to face. until then, your love for him, as expressed in your longing, is beautiful albeit painful.
great post…Ok, so i so can feel your pain…BUT I thought the worst heart ache..you know the kind like I can't wait one more minute or I might explode, was AFTER referral…knowing she was waiting for me…Oh, the heart ache!! but just like child birth, the pain is gone instantly when you meet your child for the first time…amazing how God does that 🙂 so excited to see WHO it's gonna be..AND keep watching that wait list..cause I saw many babies and children come through while I was waiting 🙂 And, they'd keep your birth order 🙂 hang in there, kj
Praying for you today… remember that, as you already noted, God knows your son, and He knows just the timing needed to bring your family together. I can't imagine being in your position (although we prayerfully hope to be someday soon!).
Are the referrals slow all around right now? Any reason for the delay other than the age restraints for your family?
Nikki
This breaks my heart–I don't understand but I "get it" and I know our LORD knows EXACTLY what you are feeling.
Praying for you dear friend! As we are doing our Jesse Tree (thanks to you and another bloggy friend) we KNOW that God has begun this work in you and HE will be faithful to bring forth the ONE! Praising HIM in advance for the miracle of your SON (or daughter)!