Oh my heart.
Waiting children lists are hard for this mom to look at and pray over. Yet–every now and again…I venture over and find myself reading about special needs, praying for the children and without fail–one child always grips my heart and I carry that name with me for weeks praying for him or her. Because. I know each face…is real.
This Rainbow kids site is where I felt brave enough to look at pictures 4 weeks after having a miscarriage 3 years ago. Too scared to try again the old fashioned way (those of you who have lost a little love this way understand)–I felt praying over these children was a safe way to let my mommy heart tip-toe into opening my heart again and allowing it to heal by praying for these littles who had also experienced great loss. Only–one picture gripped my heart–and now he’s playing a serious game of Thomas the Train in the playroom. I hear him saying, “Isaac! It’s my ta-urn!” and then “We did it!” He was more than just a picture. He would become my son. So real was he then–and so real is he now. And oh how I love him.
For the record–adopting after loss didn’t take away the loss. Neither did it for him. I still struggle with feeling sad every time I see a pregnant mom or get stuck between expecting mom friends debating which car seat is safer…because the last time I was expecting–it ended with trauma and those are the memories I remember. It was awful and messy and just…really sad. Little baby things were packed away. The picture frame that says “Love at First Sight” with the ultra sound picture inside…is the only thing that remains…other than all those feelings three years later I still and probably will forever will work through. While growing again biologically might make overshadow some of those most difficult memories–nothing will replace them…and some loss I think we just are asked to forever carry.
When we adopted–the loss our little loves experienced before us–doesn’t go away either. It’s still there. But there is much sweetness…many memories…life together–family…that follows the hard instead. They will still carry it all. We will work through it–together. But together–that’s the KEY word to my heart today. My loss was real. Their loss was real. But TOGETHER…we are now. They were real. Now in my home–so very real. And so is she.
A few nights ago, the children had a dance party for us. Little Zeke–our littlest from China…oh my heart. He is a terrible dancer. The twists and turns of his hands while he “feels” the music makes me so proud;). He fits right in our crazy family. Completely one of us he is.
I clicked on the video to see 1 of 7 short clips of her. And she danced. The flip and turn of her hands much like his. And I giggled in my dining room at the videos of her dancing…across the world…in an orphanage–so real.
As I drink my coffee this morning, I try to go there. No–not what you might be thinking. Not “go there” as in “is she a Young”…but rather…go there in a different way. What would it look like for me to just shut my Mac and walk away? Because–if anyone knows how real she is–I do. Many of you might be adoptive moms–and you know how real she is too. Countless needs that the enemy has used to cloud over the eyes of many…maybe even her first parents…of how incredibly real and perfect she is.
But this morning…I try to think and go there, “What would it look like to just shut my computer and forget she’s there? Let me just teach MY kids. Let me just focus on the children already in my home. I have laundry to do. Yes–focus on my ‘to-do’ list–and oh my…crayons. Crayons are on the floor. Why don’t they put those up when they are done with them?!”
And–just move on.
I really wish my heart worked that way. But I’m afraid it doesn’t. On Easter–I sang out loud in worship “In Christ Alone”. Do I believe that? Do I believe He is coming back? Do I believe He is enough? Do I believe He will give me strength for whatever He calls me to? Do I believe He will be my all and all? Do I really trust Him?
Yes I do.
But do I also trust Him to cover and lead my family? To provide? To protect? Do I have things mixed up? Like–am I trusting God to fill the gaps OR am I trusting Him to fill EVERYTHING and that there will be NO gaps because He goes before me in every calling and in what He has already given me? Do I really live and believe this is all for His glory and not about ME?
So right now–I do exactly what I know Jesus called me to do. I know. And I think you do too. For YOU I mean.
Some times it is just praying. Some times it’s advocating for. Some times it’s visiting. Some times it’s loving in ways you thought impossible. Whatever it is–I pray we are obedient and we run this race with His strength until the end. He will provide–for me–for her–for all of us. And here in the power of Christ may we stand.
For now–one step in front of the other trusting the Lord to lead and guide us. Today I will pray for her…that sweet little thing that twists her hands while she dances. While much is unknown…I do know a few things to be true…
She is real. Jesus loves her…more than I can ever imagine. And I’m so thankful…that right now–she still dances.
Praying for your mommy hearts as you follow with me His most perfect plans…
“In Christ Alone”
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied –
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.