A few days ago, I felt worn out. Okay–even yesterday I still felt that way. I had been “holding it together” for awhile and even the added craziness to our lives I had chosen to be excited about…the therapies and helping our little man achieve new goals. Then, one thing followed another…fevers, ER visits, UTIs, ear infections, tubes, xrays, ultrasounds, pokes, prodes and lots of tears. Finally, David’s words in Psalm 6:6 rang true to me last weekend and the past few days…”I’m worn out…I drench my couch with tears”. I was trying to balance so much with older ones and a new one that requires so much extra care. I thought I could do it all on my own–and I truly need to rely more on His strength and provision. I’m getting back to the basics…
You really learn A LOT when you go through a hard time. I’m learning that He can strengthen me. I’m learning who my sisters (and brothers, too, for that matter) in Christ are. I’m learning to accept and receive help. I’m learning what matters and what really doesn’t matter. And what matters most–is being in communion with my Savior and trusting in His unfailing love.
I read this tonight and it ministered to my soul…Psalm 15:
He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from His heart
and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,
who despises a vile man
but honors those who fear the Lord,
who keeps his oath
even when it hurts,
who lends money without usery
and does not accept a bribe against the innocent
He who does these things
will never be shaken.
The past few days–I had let doubt and fear seep in. We are at a stopping place in physical therapy (in a rut with a stubborn little man who just can’t get over the next hump!) and with the respiratory problems he seems so much weaker in his upper body…not wanting to do anything. Then, I realized how hard I am pushing him. Maybe he isn’t at a stopping place–just a resting place…where I also now find myself.
Then…I catch myself listening too closely to the world…I hear therapists say, “Well, he’ll always have a harder time physically…” and I catch myself wondering before even going to a neurologist what his underlying cause of his hypotonia might be. I keep asking, “It COULD be NOTHING–right? I mean, you can JUST have this right with no underlying cause?” NOW…REWIND WITH ME TO THAT PLANE RIDE BACK IN APRIL…
One thing I didn’t share in our referral post was the fears we confessed and decided to take on. I remember holding Richard’s hand and asking, “What if he never walks?” He looked at me and said it didn’t matter. That he was our son. And life was too short to not trust the Lord completely and follow Him…and to love this little one God had brought to us. To be in the air (already my biggest fear is flying) and to just declare our trust. It was perfect–and it was powerful. NOW FAST FORWARD five months later and having had our son home for just over 2 months (can you believe we’ve only been home for a little over TWO months…doesn’t it seem like forever?!)…fast forward to the REALITY of the day in and day out. Isn’t it SO MUCH EASIER to look into the future and say with just faith and confidence…life is too short not to follow the Lord in this and to trust in Him every step of the way…
BUT my friends…that is just the BEGINNING of faith. Faith is seeing a MOUNTAIN and believing it can be moved. Faith some times has to face the hard stuff first before taking it’s first steps—you no longer are stepping forward blindly–but choosing to pick up all the obstacles…put them in a sack—the temptation will be to CARRY them YOURSELF…but I have to leave them at the cross and TRUST HIM with the outcome.
NOW–my hope…for my friends, family and dear blog readers who have already fallen in love with our son…my hope is that he will progress…there will be NO underlying neurological and nervous system disorders…that he will play soccer and have no delays developmentally after he “catches up”. Wouldn’t that be a MIRACLE TO WATCH?! For this–I hope and pray!!!
BUT–I have also felt the Lord calling me to let those things go and to trust in HIM alone. And that is where my heartache the past few days has come from. Of course it came easier because I was tired and weary from doctor visits galore. BUT I also needed to confess A LOT of sin on my heart. I had become jealous of families who have come home and not had to go to doctor visit after doctor visit…they were getting to “bond” and “cocoon”. I had to take a break from peering into their lives (aka: LOOKING to the RIGHT or the LEFT!) and daydreaming what THAT must be like…to be able to write about fun and bonding…all things I imagined our first 3 months home would be sacredly full of. And then I needed to just have a good cry on the couch…and TODAY was a new day…
My voice was more cheerful as I cheered a little man on during physcial therapy today…because I think it wasn’t my strength cheering. As I drove to our SECOND doctor’s appointment after therapy, I smiled when things didn’t go quite our way. I even laughed when I coasted into the gas station after praying the Holy Spirit would coast us there with that light on…to only realize I left my wallet at home—and SOME HOW I made it all the way BACK home and BACK to the gas station…and in time for noon carpool for my older kids. I made some changes on our calendar…scaled back on my “to do” list…accepted my sister’s offer to let Frank spend the night…and joyfully received a meal from a dear friend (thank you Tricia!!!) Refocusing on the things that matter…and getting back to the basics!
I smiled this morning thinking about how much Isaac has already been used by God to change my heart and life. I realize just a handful of faithful friends is all this mommy needs. I realize it doesn’t matter what I look like or wear (not that I ever cared about what I wore…but I really don’t now—and I’m not in the LEAST intimidated by fancy mommies with lots of matching jewelry on…I’m impressed however they have the skills and time to pull that off…and I’m THANKFUL God has given me 4 beautiful distractions to keep me from caring…1 Peter 3:3-4 “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self,, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight”). I realize that my house no longer has to be together (not that it EVER was!)…I’m not here to impress man–but to live each day to it’s fullest…to love my children…and know Him deeper. I realize that it’s OKAY if my children don’t do everything your children do…they don’t even have to run–although I hope they will. Their running is not my goal here—instead it is to teach them to run to Him with the feet of their hearts.
I don’t know if anyone is still reading this—but it’s really for me and my heart more than anyone else…and I am just amazed once again how He transforms our hearts and how HE IS OUR HELP. I lift my eyes up…unto the heavens…where does my help come from? From Him. From Him. From HIM.
As I read Psalm 18, I felt like I was getting ready for battle. I am getting geared up–and I feel renewed–ready to take on what comes our way. There is this one exercise we are doing with Isaac right now in therapy to force him to put weight on his knees–he does NOT want to do it!!! I have to make sure his legs won’t turn–and he HATES it. It is really hard for him–and it breaks his heart that I’m holding his ankles and not letting go–YET I’m cheering him on–SO confusing I’m sure!!! BUT–aren’t WE like that? God is ALWAYS faithful to those who are faithful to Him. YET–we cry out…because some times it’s hard, some times it hurts…and WHY does it feel like He holding us down AND cheering us on too?? How could that BE?! Because HE SEES THE BIG PICTURE!!! Because HE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US!!! Because HE LOVES US!!! Trust Him!!! Even when it doesn’t make sense…He really can be trusted!!!
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.
You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
with your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hand for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.”