Do you know how good it felt to type that title? Blessed Be His Name. (A few of you who know my heart lately are already smiling reading this;). Three weeks ago tonight–was a tough night for this momma. Several dear friends who had lost little ones to miscarriage emailed me to send me a song that ministered to them–“Blessed Be His Name”. My heart felt those words–but they just weren’t able to sing them…or even type them again just yet. My momma heart hurt. But this sweet little baby of ours–she (totally convinced the baby was a she;)–has taught this mom much already in 3 weeks…
One–I don’t care if you (or anyone else) thinks I’m crazy. Nope. If you haven’t been here–you probably do think I’m crazy for struggling so–by all means…think I’m crazy. Truly, momma’s heart can’t think or worry about what others think. Nope. But if you want to walk with me toward Jesus in it…whatever your stuff might be…then keep reading:).
I have learned that in my heart–I know His plans are perfect…I know the hard stuff will be worth it. I have gotten to Skype with Princess T (the 16 year old Ukrainian teen we hosted this summer)…low and behold she will be home on SATURDAY with her forever parents. He gives and takes away…blessed be His name! Her life has been one of more and more being taken away–but He has given her parents again…and on Saturday she will step off the plane into a new life…she will be loved–looked after–poured into. HE HAS ALWAYS HAD A PLAN. He is good.
Last weekend, I went to my first baby/kid shower. (Baby + kid as it was for my most precious friend bringing home a baby and older ones from Ethiopia next month). I needed to get something for her sweet baby girl–so just 2 weeks after our miscarriage–I needed to go in and buy a sweet baby girl something for this sweet baby girl. Never has my heart fretted so before going shopping. Rich and I even talked about it before I went to Target. (When does your husband have to give you a pep talk to go to Target?!)
There’s a list of firsts that a momma has to get through after miscarrying. Most moms who have been here can tell you exactly where they were for each of these “firsts” although you don’t really talk about them…you just pray your way through them–tuck them in your heart–remember the way you felt–and it’s just part of the process. The first time you reached for coffee…or some thing you might not want to have or over have while expecting…and you realized it didn’t matter anymore. The first time you see a mom with a baby bump right where you might be. The first time you see a newborn. And the first time you shop for baby clothes…but it’s not for your baby. The firsts that are just part of the process–and you don’t even really know what they are even…until the moment is right in front of you and you feel that lump in your throat remembering what isn’t. It’s all part of the process of moving on, healing and for me–trusting His plans are greater than mine.
I grabbed my keys to run out on Sunday afternoon during rest time, and I jokingly told Rich that I wanted to pray that there would miraculously EITHER be a Chinese girl on the aisle or a newborn baby–and then we’d just KNOW how God wanted us to grow our family again (we totally plan to adopt and we’d love to have another little one the old fashioned way too). We both totally laughed–Rico Suave said, “Yeah right–God totally works like that Ang;).” You know, as I have said before–I totally walk by faith–and not saying God wouldn’t work like that BUT I also am not foolish enough to put my finger on a map and say “let’s move here” or flip the pages of the Bible and say “this is what He has for me”…so of course I was totally kidding. I do realize though that seeing a girl or baby would be different than something crazy like that–because we have to use our wisdom too…yet I did pray that the Lord would hold my hand through this first–because 2 weeks out…my heart needed it.
I got to Target, and I walked back to the baby section–and a beautiful expecting momma passed by me–and I thought I might run out of Target. But I didn’t:) I decided to stick to the registry, and I turned on aisle N7-and just as I turned a precious teenager in a red Target vest said, “Can I help you?” She was from China–and she had a repaired cleft palate. I just stood there smiling–politely said no–and if you don’t think I’m crazy–I’m quite sure she thought I was. After looking around for things on the check list–I kept looking over at this precious girl and couldn’t help but think about what God might have for our family…for a little girl out there…for our future. I then put the list away–and I headed right over to the little girl section and had the most fun picking out cute little things for a princess. I just had to smile how I really felt the Lord had gone before me even over this little shopping trip. I know His plans are good. And He has a perfect, beautiful one for our family.
This last month I have learned a bit more how precious life is–how precious my babies are–and how too many people get their panties all caught up in a wad over nothing. I was listening to someone expecting fret over the sex of their baby. And all I could do as I listened–was think back and hear the words of the radiologist telling me that my baby was measuring off–but that the heartbeat was strong. Right then, I knew I would love that baby with a strong heart beat with anything and everything…whether there were no legs…no hands…whatever…that baby had a heartbeat–and I was the momma…I would love big. Listening to someone fret over the sex of the baby they were carrying…oh–that made me sad. What I’d do to have that strong heartbeat back. No hands…no feet–that wouldn’t matter. My heart longed to love big. Oh the things we make up to fret over…
This week one of my sweet ones was diagnosed with severe dyslexia. Momma didn’t blink. He has a strong heart beat. He is healthy. This is one of the reasons I decided to homeschool…it was definitely what was best for one–and the other begged to join in…and I knew it’d be great for that one too. But oh my heart–it daily can struggle with the things of the world and what I “could be” doing. (Every homeschool mom has these thoughts I know!) BUT–it’s getting my panties all in a wad for the WRONG reasons..and thank the Lord just for a moment). I GET…I *GET*…to stay at home…homeschool and love my kids big. I get to see them grow right where they are…AND I get to see them grow in their faith together. For this season it is part of His plan—and it is so good. (Some think I’m crazy for this–but you already know what I think about what they think. Can’t think about what they think–cause I just have to look to Him, follow Him and love big. I GET TO! How amazing is that?)
We’ve been dreaming and praying lately about what the Lord might have for our family in the weeks, months and years ahead. All I can say is that I am married to the most brave, amazing, adventurous man…and I have a little girl in heaven to thank one day for the inspiration to how we are praying to grow. Her loss will be part of His perfect timing for others to be a part of this perfectly weaved plan–and although there is pain in it…I am amazed that I can already roll down the windows of my mini-van, let the air in and with one hand on the wheel–and the other raised high sing Blessed Be His Name. He really is good.
My most precious adoption momma friend in California Catherine Besk sent me a cd that has truly been ministering to my heart this past week. (Only in the adoption momma world do you have VBFFs in California that you met on your agency’s listserv and who fly to adoption momma retreats to encourage one another…seriously–amazing is this journey!) I wanted to share a Kari Jobe song that has truly blessed my soul as I surrender daily to Him…(Give it a sec and you can bypass the advertisement):
Okay–if you have been behind me at a red light this week or I’ve passed you with really loud music–my 4 littles either singing along or screaming for me to roll the windows down…my apologies;). I was a wild one in high school–I lost most of the wild–but the windows down and music up…that rolled over beautifully.
I feel like my blogs are usually thought out or make sense. Not sure if this one did at all as it was just me typing really fast…as we have a full day tomorrow (after a day full of testing and such today)–with the sole mission to just HAVE FUN. Reading and writing are being pushed aside tomorrow–because I’m the teacher we can do that:). I want to make sure more than reading and writing my kids are getting what it means to LIVE and to be fully alive…celebrating who He made us to be and how amazing and blessed we are to even be here…to bring glory to Him and to shine Him on the world. Oh if my kids get ANYTHING at all–let it be that!
Blessings to y’all this weekend! Praying that no matter where you are right now…that the Lord will see you through–and that you will be able to sing these words with your whole heart…
I understand your heart as we lost our first precious one 13 years ago. I still remember all the “firsts” and bursting into tears without warning. My precious one will always be in my heart and memory, and I have confidence that I will see my little one and have an eternity in heaven to spend with her. I do not claim to understand all of God’s ways, but I do have to trust that He works all things for our good. Blessings to you today.
I do not want to take away from your pain, your hopes and your dreams you share on this blog. I just want to tell you about my neighbors child years ago when she and my kids went to high school. She had dyslexia and was put in “resource class” for all of her school years. She became the valedictorian of her class:). Dyslexia is not a big handicap, just another little bump to overcome.
This post truly encouraged my heart. Thank you for being vulnerable and modeling faith and trust in all circumstances. We are currently waiting on news about the potential of twin girls from China (special needs). The road to children continues to be long, but so worth the pain to grow closer to God. Thanks for your blessing.
I LOVE this post! Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for sharing your struggles. Thank you for sharing His glory!
I love you! I love you! Thank goodness we have the Lord to steady our hearts. This journey of adoption or life may not be how we planned it, but He moves mountains and makes miracles. He will carry us through. I can’t wait to look back in 10 years to see how He ended up shaping our families and what countries we’ve lived in. Thank you for sharing your heart and life with all of us!!
Covering you in prayers…….words just don’t seem to mean a whole lot.
I do however love that song Steady my Heart! Beautiful!
We too lost a little girl 6yrs ago at about 17 weeks along. Sometimes it actually takes my breath away that I can miss someome so desperately that I never even knew…. I too take comfort in knowing she is waiting for us in Heaven. I have been a Christian for a long time, but am ashamed to say I never longed for Heaven until we lost her. I think of her and miss her daily. Prayers for you, may peace that passes understanding surround you…
Andrea – we sang this song by Matt Redman in church this morning. I thought of you.
“Never Once” – Matt Redman