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I love Psalm 23.

Tonight–I was reflecting on the beauty of His rod and how He is my shelter…

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

He is my good Shepherd. He leads and guides me tenderly. This is what the shepherd used his rod and staff for. Not to whack his sheep into walking the straight path–put rather to protect them and to guide them…tenderly. A shepherd would go out into the fields–sleep in the danger with them. His rod and staff would be their protection from danger. He didn’t send them out, but rather the shepherd stayed right there with them. When a sheep was lost, he used the rod to gently nudge the stray back to where he would be safe in his provision and care. In the shepherd’s care, the sheep needed nothing. He need not want for more. He could rest at His feet after being tenderly brought to his side by the rod–whatever scratches and wounds he had…the shepherd was there.

The Lord is my shepherd.

And I am thankful.

Though the waters may feel at times to rush over me and I might forget how to swim for a moment–He leads me beside STILL waters. He restores my soul. I can rest under His shadow…and as healing in the heart of the sheep happens–the Good Shepherd just stands right over…protecting…with His rod–ready to lead and guide in the weeks ahead. But for right now–when a heart is healing…some times the Good Shepherd will keep His sheep beside the STILL water. He will teach her to remain–to just rest…and to be still.

Though whispers may come my way with the aroma of fear–I will fear no evil. For I have a Good Shepherd standing over me–and His rod and His staff…they comfort me.

He prepares a table–full of provisions–everything I could and will possibly ever need…so now–I need to do nothing but rest in His love and REMAIN. In the remaining–there may be confusion, tears, unknowns–but this is just part of the process…and I have nothing to fear knowing He will provide…and His shadows beautifully cover me like the shade of a tree. And there–He anoints my head with oil…and my cup overflows.

His plans are perfect–He is always good…and goodness and mercy will follow His sheep as they remain in Him. And the best part…is the forever part. Some may shake their head at the fairytale ending–but if you know Jesus…if you have met the Good Shepherd–then you know in your heart and soul He is real and it is true. I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever…worshiping Him with so many that I love…some whom I’ve never met…FOREVER.

I am so thankful I have a Good Shepherd to trust and to remain in.

Going to end this one letting these 3 kiddos rock it out…how precious are they??? Take in these words and let YOUR Good Shepherd pour in…rest in Him and His shadow as you do…

Your sister in Christ,

Andrea

While Rico Suave took the older two to church this morning–I stayed back with the younger too. Some times you just to have your own service at home. This morning was one of those times for me:). And during that time, this was one song that really ministered to me (love the words to this so much)…

(Just in case the YouTube version wouldn’t show up or work–the direct link is here: http://youtu.be/b61wsBdqrKM

This weekend has been action filled. You know–one of those when you have 4 kids 7 and under…sports + birthdays for various ones…a day you felt like you needed a spread sheet for;).

Friday after a full fun-filled school day–we took Parker to his tumbling class and waited outside in the van for an hour for him to finish. Just easier to wait there some times. AND we totally support his grand idea about needing to take this class in order to learn how to do a back flip–he thinks it’d be cool to do one after touch downs one day. Love his long term planning. Here’s Frankie baby and momma waiting while Laney played with my phone:)

THEN on Saturday morning–we jumped into our first Saturday of soccer games…what our Fall Saturdays always look like–Loo’s games followed by P’man’s games.

Loo and M (one of her best friends) playing against each other–funny to see them both so serious and not giggling over dolls here…

and then the next hour it was P’s turn…

For 2 hours momma just parks it in a chair at the end of the field–cheering “THAT’S YOUR BALL!”–and watching the babies play soccer in the practice net beside me. And laughing at them as they walk to the concession stand together…

Are they not the most precious brothers ever?

Every year–Rico Suave coaches, and Paul is helping him out this year. (Paul’s little guy and P-man met when they were just 1–and they’ve been buddies ever since). These two take the boys camping together–so fun watching them coaching them together–they definitely have fun…

Then we had birthday party fun to attend. With 4 kids 7 and under you really do need a spreadsheet for Saturday sports, birthday parties and such;). Sneaking in a little momma love…

Among the crazy–this weekend was a tougher one for my momma heart. Thankful for my sweet loves that constantly remind me how blessed I am–and who make me want to continue to walk by faith. They are my miracles–each a step of faith…each a miraculous story–and a reminder that we can trust the Lord with whatever He has for us. I’ve walked around a lot in the last week and weekend (to be perfectly honest…with a big lump in my throat–every have those days???) quietly asking the Lord for His JOY. From the outside, all looks wonderful, crazy, fun–there’s still stuff inside this momma’s heart that just feels like a discombobulated pile of empty that I’m not sure what to do with. It’s like “going on a bear walk” and when you see the water–you know you can’t go around it, you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it–you have to go through it. Swish–swish–swish–swish–swish. Coming out of the grocery by yourself, you catch yourself singing Dori’s tune under your breath, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.” You are learning to walk by faith when your heart doesn’t feel like it at all. It’s easy to walk by faith when everything makes sense…watching things perfectly fall into place and standing with your hands lifted high in amazement and joy. It’s really a lot of fun to walk by faith in those times! It’s another thing to walk by faith when the why, where, when and how’s don’t have any clear answers yet. Walking by faith during those times–oh, it feels so different!

And although I know my heart should just be sitting and letting the Psalms pour in (the Psalms do minister to my soul)—I have a confession of something that has really helped bring a new excitement this week…totally of this world;). Last weekend–Richard asked me if there was anything that he could do. Now you are going to laugh at the first thing that came out of my mouth. “Disneyworld.” In that moment, it made us both burst into laughter among the seriousness that THAT came out. We’ve never been–and in our 8 years of parenting we’ve talked about it here and there–and then forgotten. BUT since that moment–we’ve spent each night up late planning a last minute…really fun get away…to the happiest place on earth:). Some times you just need to have FUN together–so that’s exactly what we are going to do! We made the announcement TONIGHT–we played music from Disney while playing musical chairs and when they sat down in a chair I asked them to reach UNDER their chair and pull out a t-shirt that would give them a clue about a special trip mommy and daddy were going to take them on. The t-shirts had Micky Mouse on them–and lots of squeals followed–with the 3 year olds jumping up and down dancing…and some swatting and silliness with their new t-shirts too. Laney has already made a countdown calendar and before bed tonight she marked off the first day. Can I just say HOW MUCH FUN this has been do plan with Rich each night?? (Thanks for the inspiration my dearest friends from all your fun trips there–and thanks to my friends on Facebook for single handedly helping me find all the deals!) AND for you Disney frequenters–you know it’s something else that we’re going in a couple of weeks–Cinderella’s Royal Table was OF COURSE booked–but I called this morning (when I should have been at church) at there was an opening!!! Can you believe it? Okay–I know some of you are shaking your heads at me…but apparently this is a big deal for a little princess–and it’s something else to get an opening a few weeks before your last minute visit–or so they say;).

Now–for the week ahead. Momma has to hurry up and get my training on for American Heritage Girls…some how I got talked into being one of the leaders for the Tenderhearts…so I’ve got some training to do before our first troup meeting on Tuesday!

Blessings to you all as you keep on swimming no matter what comes your way this week!!!

Thank you Kelli Kelly, Stacey Maljian and Meggan McFaden for reminding me tonight how blessed His name always is…

Love y’all,

Andrea

This momma hasn’t been posting as much the last few weeks as I’m as transparent as they come–some times to a fault…and if I have a really sweet secret–I just can’t bare to post (although I’ll confess I did pretty good with T’s sweet secret earlier this month)…and if we’re in the valley of hard or sad–it can be hard for me to post too not knowing when, how or if to share at all. But I also recognize that when we share the hard–some may also be comforted when they go through something similar: 2 Corinthians 1:3 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

Richard and I have always wanted a BIG family. (Yes–4 kids is BIG to many…but we were thinking more along the lines of Braddy Bunch…not so much Duggar’s 18 and Counting;). If we could plan it in our own “perfect with a bow” kinda way–we’d have another little biologically and adopt a precious little special needs child as we had started out toward before that tick got me and shared Lyme’s with me last year. During that year, we wondered if momma would EVER be well enough to really carry another…and some times we wondered if I’d be able to physically carry littles at all–and maybe even adopting again would be out of the question. But God was good–and His mercies rained down–and I was completely healed! By the beginning of the summer, I was feeling like I could run a marathon (NOT that I’d ever really do that;). Thank goodness too–because momma needed her extra energy to show a Ukrainian teenage princess we were hosting for the summer a fun time.

We added a whole extra layer to our crazy to our summer–and momma kept a good secret all summer–only sharing the news with close friends and family that our year of praying for momma’s complete healing had been answered abundantly so with the news of a little one soon-to-be…#5 was on the way! The summer trips to the museums and aquariums and parks were really only possible with Sprite and saltine crackers–and the extra hormones on top of the emotional roller coaster we were on made for QUITE the ride for this mom especially (my husband completely rocks too to put up with a hormonal wife of 5 I tell ya!). We shared the news with our closest friends and family–and we began dreaming. Princess T and I went shopping one day and picked out the sweetest frame for the baby’s room that said “Love at First Sight”. Days later, I scooted out for my first doctor’s visit–and I itched to share our news, but in no way wanted the delight of this news to overshadow the miracles that were unfolding as the end of the summer approached–we decided to wait until I was a bit further along. When we found out our 10 week appointment was the same day as T’s court date for her new family–we marveled at the timing of it all and decided we’d make that a day of fun news. And truly–last Thursday was a true reason to celebrate as there was an orphan no more in the world…one that we loved with so much! This was the highlight of our day…because earlier that day–at our 10 week ultrasound our hearts had been broken.

I had gone into the doctor just days earlier before due to some problems, but to our delight we saw our almost 10 week love’s heartbeat beating strong at 164 bmp. But on Thursday morning when we went in, there was no heartbeat. And although I had prepared myself for this–I wasn’t at all prepared for this.

For weeks I had wondered what people might say when they heard we were growing again (why I care what others say I do not know–but I confess that I struggle with this…so if you have an opinion please don’t let me know;). Would they think we are crazy to have so many children…crazy to even try to have another…crazy to even try when we also know we want to adopt? But this was the desire of our hearts–and knowing I’m not getting any younger–so we decided to try…and we were blessed. In these last 10 weeks, the Lord has taught my heart much about FAMILY–about HIS PURPOSE for family–about how HE desires each of us to grow differently at different times. Some will stay small so He can do much through these smaller families in different ways–and others He will want to grow big for different purposes–but all with the same purpose to bring Him much glory. One thing we can never do is compare–but instead keep our eyes on Christ and obediently say “yes” when we hear Him call. After our loss, I also realize that I don’t really care what others might say or what they might have said about us growing this way or that. We are called to love and support one another–and to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15)

I had surgery on Friday–and my sweet parents and sister were all so precious to take our littles so we could recover and rest. I wasn’t sure if I would have to have surgery after a long night on Thursday night, but on Friday the ultrasound showed it was still necessary. It was one of the longer days of life, and I know the weeks and months ahead will be that of processing and healing. I feel like in just the last 4 days I have already learned so much…and this is the part that I really want to share…

…Loss is loss. You can’t compare your loss to someone else’s or someone else’s loss to yours. Whether or not we had 4 littles or none–this loss is loss. And it hurts. There is nothing anyone can do to take it away. We have to walk through it. Each day will get easier. Although it seemed perfect, and it doesn’t make sense–His ways are higher than my ways. And we have an angel with our Father in heaven. It may make more sense in a year or it may not ever make sense at all to our hearts–but He can be trusted and He is good. He can heal from loss–and He knows loss more than any other on this earth.

…Time and space help heal. We have a lot of noise at our house–and it was so important for us to have a few days of quiet in order to rest, reflect and recover. When you go through something difficult, I encourage you to reach out to family (and friends if family is not able) and to ask for help. (My sweet family didn’t give me a choice–thank you!). How I needed this time to rest, read and just process. And snuggling up on the couch to watch movies back to back actually was pretty amazing too. While you might think you NEED to be around noise to help you through–take advantage of quiet for rest, reflection and recovery.

…Don’t expect everyone to understand (so don’t get your feelings hurt easily–hard to do with hormones changing so quickly right?)–but also don’t be surprised when some supernaturally do understand–either because their hearts understand loss to some degree or they have been there before too. Don’t expect anyone to do anything or say anything that will make you feel better (even your spouse)–but instead expect the Lord to be the one to comfort you. He is enough and He is able. In the quite, listen to your favorite worship music. Spend time in the Psalms. And if you are on the other end–know you do not have to say anything other than “I’m so sorry“. That’s it. There is SO MUCH POWER, LOVE and FEELING in those words. (I hope I remember this for the future!) You don’t have to tell them God has a plan (they totally know this–but they happen to be at a point in the plan that kinda stinks). “I’m so sorry” says so much–and you can’t say it enough…so if you run out of things to say–say that again. I will also admit that hearing a dear friend who has been there tell you that they bet their angel is playing with your angel is pretty sweet and comforting–to think one day you will get to meet this little one and celebrate with him/her. I in no way confess to knowing what heaven is like–but it’s pretty sweet to imagine even little ones who aren’t born yet being there. (If you have a different opinion on this–please don’t tell me–I’d rather keep dreaming for the rest of my days until I get there on this one. Thank you:).

…You are in this together. It can be easy for moms who are the ones experiencing the body changes, hormone roller coaster, surgery and recovery to feel lonely or as if they are the only one hurting. Remember that your sweet spouse would have also died for this little one–so if you are able to allow OTHERS to help you with children in your home if you already have them–LET THEM so you can reconnect, recover and grieve with your spouse TOGETHER. Those who had been celebrating and dreaming with you–sisters, brothers, grandparents, friends and family who were already loving this little one big in their hearts will also be grieving quietly beside you. Know that you are NOT alone. You are in this with not only your immediate family–but also many who love you and whose mind you, your family and your little one have not left.

Last but not least–the morning of the surgery as I was getting ready to leave I checked my email and one of my dearest friends who has also experienced this loss sent me these most precious verses. A devotional had taken each apart that were so fitting–but I don’t want to plagiarize;)…so I’m expanding on each of them on my own instead…

When “hard” comes–carry these verses close with you. Remember that the Lord your God is with you. When you are feeling sad, lonely, confused, upset…the Lord your God is with you.

He is mighty to save. I truly believe He saves little ones like these from death–and He truly is good. The best plan for the sake of these who have a heartbeat but little chance for survival–is to head on up to heaven and be with Him. Our dreams change–but we must know and believe that His dreams for each of our children…even those we will not meet on this Earth…are so much greater than we could ever imagine.

He will take great delight in you. So rest. Rest in Him. You have done nothing wrong. Just rest in His presence and allow Him to restore your soul. You might not can see it yet–but He truly is taking delight in you as you rest in Him.

He will quiet you with His love. Although your nerves may be tense, pain may be near, cramps may tug and pull for awhile, sadness comes when you see someone passing on the street where you dreamed you might be…as those emotions come–give those daily to Him. He will quiet all of these feelings and emotions…and even your fears…with His great big love.

He will rejoice over you with singing. Each day is new…each day will bring more peace–and as you walk toward Him resting and waiting on Him–He will rejoice over you with singing. Truthfully–He will rejoice over you with singing LONG before that even. He will sing joy into your heart as you come to Him…and I truly believe He will also teach your little one singing in heaven.

For me–I stepped back and saw this new life and all that had happened in our summer as truly a beautiful thing. When something changed, it really didn’t make sense–and honestly, it still doesn’t quite yet for this momma’s heart. But if I skip over the hard parts and only share the pieces that seem to perfectly fit–the tapestry He is weaving is not as nearly as beautiful. Right now, it feels as if a piece of our quilt has been unstitched a bit–but day by day I know He will carefully seem the pieces together with the threads of faith, hope and love–the greatest of these being love. This is forever part of our story–part of our lives–and part of our hearts. He is using this to shape us even now–and I’m quite sure this loss will continue to shape us in the years ahead. This is part of who we become–and I would have liked it to have a different ending–but I also know that His ways are higher than ours–and I have to believe that it’s part of His plan…and one day I will step back and see the many pieces all together…and I know in my heart–that it will be beautiful.

Blessings from this momma’s heart…

Andrea