The Young Family Farm »

“We can get old…”

01.21.2011

“…or we can get old and do something.” -Kim Anderson

WOW. Thank you Kim for opening your home, heart and family—and for choosing to do something.

Chosen ones from preston gannaway on Vimeo.

“That’s our God…He can take bad things (situations) and make them good…and that is what He has done in Job’s life…”

And a PRECIOUS family that we traveled with…they were waiting for one…then it changed to two…and now–two less orphans in the world as they have become sons! What a JOY it was to watch their journey in real life…and see them become family…(and that is our Isaac crying on the bus ride! man…I’ll NEVER forget this day!)

Blessings of a Burdened Heart from smith on Vimeo.

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by admin

3 comments

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Elle J - January 21, 2011 - 12:29 pm

Amazing. Beautiful. Love.

Natasha - January 29, 2011 - 8:23 pm

Amazing stories. Thank you for sharing… my world seems pretty insignificant when I’m consumed with what’s just happening right here in my own little circle…

Rachel Ocampo - June 18, 2015 - 8:38 am

I have been reading your blog backwards.. (It’s just how I roll) Just wanted to say that I am all the way in WA and go to church with those sweet boys in that video.

Come to the well… (preparing to leave your families as you retreat)

01.19.2011

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I have never experienced fatique and the weight of burdens more in my life than after we brought home our newest son. Would he be okay? What would he be like in 10 or 20 years? Would he experience healing? Both physically…emotionally…mentally? Could I really do this??? Was I going to fail? What would the world think when I did? The unknowns compiled–and my shoulders would grow heavy…and again–I would come to the conclusion…that NO–*I* could NOT do this on my own. I truly needed His strength, power and miraculous life-giving transformation in EVERY area of this calling.

I realized that I probably wasn’t alone in my need to COME TO HIS WELL…daily, hourly…minute-by-minute. You have to help me Lord…my cry over and over again. There are times in our mommy lives–times in our new stages and callings where we not only are called away daily…but there are times where we need to come away to be refreshed, rested, restored…and retreat. As moms of new ones who have attachment issues and special needs–it can be especially hard for us to feel the FREEDOM to retreat. BUT–just as God is able to BE ENOUGH for us–God is also able to be enough for our husbands and children when we need to retreat and be refreshed…to do nothing other than come to HIS well.

As I write–I can’t help think about what Jesus had at stake when he retreated to be with the Father. By the world’s view, “Are you serious? RIGHT NOW Jesus??? You are just gonna scoot on to a quiet time and pray??? In my opinion Jesus–you should either be running for your life OR fighting back…fighting for us Lord. What in the world are you thinking?” I am sure many of you moms will be struggingly in a few weeks preparing to leave your family’s for the weekend to come to the Created for Care retreat—and maybe some of you are reading this months after it is written and you are struggling with a need to come to His well and feeling guilty for the need to get away. One, let me say this–guilt to come to retreat to be with the Lord is never from the Lord. Two, the Lord is able to be enough for your children and husband–and begin praying now that they, too, experience healing and restorement in miraculous ways as you come to Him to be restored. Three, the Lord desires for you to come to Him…come to His well–and be filled with more of Him…and for your children to see mommy doing this–is the greatest healing power of all.

I asked one of our speakers from the weekend for some insight on this as she retreats often to be with the Lord. She had adopted a handful of little ones–who are now big ones…but they came home as both children and teens. I consider her one of my adoption mommy mentors and I wanted a second voice from this godly momma to share with you all as you plan to come…a word from Beth Templeton about getting away during your first months or year/s home with a newly adopted child…

“I would say to these moms that in going to this retreat they are modeling something very important to their children and that even though, of course, their little ones don’t want them to go (a normal and healthy response of any child), their going will speak good things to each little one.

Firstly that mommies need God and sometimes do things especially just to be with Him. It is a good thing to go away to be with God and something that people who love God do. And also, the child will see that when mommy goes and when she/he feels so scared about that, it all turns out well because mommy comes back–despite the fears that she wouldn’t or that something bad might happen. The only way for a child, especially an adopted child, to know this for certain is to face the fears, feel the lack, and find out that all is well after all.

With the children old enough I would suggest that the mothers show them the website, tell them in simple terms about what she will learn, show them where on the map she will be, pictures of the hotel….. show them on the calendar when she will be home. Possibly make a special count down of some sort. Also, leave little notes (drawings for the child too young to read)/gifts for each day she is gone. If the child doesn’t already have one, a little photo album with pictures of the mom and the rest of the family together is a good idea–this visually establishes the sense of belonging and safety. For the babies I think talking to them about these things even though they won’t understand the words will make the mom feel better about leaving and will communicate something to the child beyond the words themselves.

I also met with and talked to an attachment therapist and asked on a personal level–what her thoughts were about me getting away. She affirmed that one of the best things we can do is teach our children HOW to take care of ourselves and specifically our spiritual and emotional health by retreating and taking time to rest. By modeling this–we are teaching our children HOW to care for themselves. If we are spent and drained–then we are teaching them that this is how you live and care for yourself.

I love how Dr. Karyn Purvis in “The Connected Child” writes about the need for adoption moms to REFILL their bucket. (Maybe I especially love this because one of the talks given by Dr.Susan Hillis at the retreat is about being “women of the well”!) Dr.Purvis shares how “many parents who come to [them] for help–come suffering from emotional and physical exhaustion. It’s as if their fuses are blown. Over time, coping with at-risk children has eroded their social support, familial support, and marital support systems. Everyone is tired and the resources are diminished, so the challenges seem greater…On a basic physiological level, parents need to replenish themselves. It’s essential for the entire family’s well being. Without refilling your own bucket, you can’t effectively offer healing to your children.” (p.230-231).

I love this picture of refilling your own bucket–and how amazing is it that the Lord pressed Psalm 84 on our hearts to over and over again press on these 250 adoption moms’ hearts?! Go read Psalm 84–in how the Lord wants us to live…AT HIS WELL…to go from SPRING TO SPRING…and WHERE does He want us to build our nests?? “near YOUR alter, O Lord Almighty, my King and my God” For many of us–we are just plain tired. If you are like me–you haven’t even been to Sunday school in 6 months because you last only through the announcements because you have a toddler on your hip you aren’t ready to leave in a nursery setting. YET–you feel the Lord saying…”Come away with me…I will give you rest.”

Truly–as Psalms 84 says, “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere”. I believe God wants to do something SO BIG in the hearts and LIVES of the 250 women (253 to be exact…our cup overfloweth just a bit;) who are coming. I believe He wants to meet each of them in a REAL, PERSONAL way. I believe He wants to restore, heal, bring rest and to simply BE WITH EACH WOMAN during this retreat…with no distractions of Cheerios being poured on the floor or diapers being changed (lest I also remind you that this, TOO, is worship!)–but I believe He has called 253 women to be with Him in a new way–so He may change her. He may equip her. He may love her in a real…WOW…and “I have longed for this in my weakness” kind of way. SO…that He may use her EVEN MORE for His glory.

We are praying for each of you as you prepare to come. He who calls will always equip…and He is always waiting at the spring of life…to fill your cup and even let it overflow.

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by admin

5 comments

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sara just - January 19, 2011 - 1:24 pm

your posts are always so encouraging! thank you so much for your research and heart! i am also checking because i ordered a t shirt i believe before xmas and haven’t received it yet and wondered if there was a mistake, i know that my card was charged though. thank you andrea. Very grateful, Sara

Jamie Gumieny-Fink - January 19, 2011 - 2:34 pm

Thank-you for sharing such a beautiful post… I am so glad to have stumbled upon your blog which is also beautiful! We have three littles (2 bios babes and 1 Ethiopian princess) and we are in the process of adopting again from ET… twins this time… I look forward to reading along on your blog!
Many Blessings,
j
http://www.beneaththeacaciatree.com

Elle J - January 19, 2011 - 4:20 pm

Praying for you, and all those involved in the making of the retreat, as you prepare in these final weeks. =)

Kelly Johnson - January 19, 2011 - 10:54 pm

Oh this momma’s heart is just so excited!!! Can’t wait to “go to the well” and refill!!!

Kim - January 20, 2011 - 10:10 am

Another beautiful post.

Attachment Games to play with your littles…

01.18.2011

I LOVE when you guys make post requests!!! I’m going to do my best to do a post for as many requests that come my way…so thank you for telling me what you would like more on! Because I <3 (heart) this stuff! Several of you asked to hear some of the attachment exercises/games we do...so here goes! (NEXT UP...how to start a transracial family group AND THEN for all you coming to the retreat...how to prepare your littles for leaving--good advice from more experienced adoption mommas...had to reach out for you because I'm ALSO in your boat!!! Can't wait to share this!) The most important thing for me--or where I always start is EYE CONTACT. Did you know that an infant gets 4 hours of eye contact EACH DAY spread out over 12 feedings??? [p.104, Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child]. This is a skill that is actually PRACTICED and LEARNED from feedings…and in these feedings connection is made (another reason it’s so important for only mom and dad to be the ones to feed baby!) Get this–in the first 2 months of a baby’s life they normally have 200 hours of eye contact during nursing time with their mommy! WOW! This is why its so important to start your connecting here–it may sound simple but it is SO important and we need to replicate this level of eye contact to have “early connection steps” with our little ones. Eye contact is ALSO (for us anyway) THE KEY FACTOR to how our son is engaging and connecting with us. There are days there is almost absolutely nothing I can do to get his eye contact–and that’s when we have to slow down and really focus on connecting. SO…what do we do???

1. Peek-a-boo – We play this daily…several times a day. We will play this with our hands for awhile–and then I’ll just play it with my eyes.

2. Copy Cat/Mirror Games – We play imitating games by starting with eyes again. I will blink over and over and ask my son, “Can you blink?” I keep doing this until he does it with me. To keep him engaged, I will make fish faces, clicking sounds, popping sounds–ANYTHING I can think of and then ask, “Can you make this sound?” He usually laughs and tries to copy me. Because he has to look at me to play these games–and giggles usually follow–we ARE connecting. When this wears off, out come the bean bags. I put a bean bag on my head–and then I quickly lower my head to make it fall. While this doesn’t sounds exciting–a baby thinks it is fabulous. I do this over and over–and then I put a bean bag on his head AND my head at the same time. It is very important for the parent to LEAD–so I lower my head first and wait for him to do the same. Because my son is just 1 year, this activity can last a rather long time (thrilling I know!) but connections are being made–and really, it will melt your heart as this is a beautiful investment into long-term connections.

3. Together Games – Newborns and babies spend HOURS in their mommies laps–but often internationally adopted babies come home able to crawl and walk so they MISS this “together” time connecting with a mom and dad. SOOO…these games encourage that closeness and you have to get creative as when they are mobile it can just be more challenging. Some of our “together games” are: making a tent out of a blanket and getting under the blanket together–my little man LOVES sitting together in the tents his big brother and big sister got for Christmas (yes–I’m GOING to post that tutorial I promise–it would be SO good for this too!!!). My son will sit with me just laughing and LOOKING at me forever in that tent–so create little nooks to sit in together and be close. Another fun thing to do is to buy slinkies and teach your child how to hold one end and you hold the other. You are connected–and you can move away and still be connected and then come back together. This would be a great teaching tool also for older ones how you are always connected when you are close and even when you are farther away.

4. Hide-a-Boo Okay, I totally made this name up. BUT it’s Hide-and-go-seek and Peek-a-boo put together. I let my son see me intentionally hide behind a chair and then I peek around the chair at him at HIS level. Then I poke my head out long enough to make eye contact and once he makes eye contact with me I crawl toward him (this ALWAYS makes him also crawl toward me) and then he giggles when we finally make contact with one another. (Usally followed by tickles). We do this over and over and over and over…

Now these are probably most appropriate for babies/toddlers–but you can make them more challenging and fun for older kids by just making things like the mirror game more challenging and actually taking turns copying one another as if you were a mirror. For eye contact, you can have a contest to see who can look into one another’s eyes the longest without laughing—and while it might not be fun for your adopted child at first—the more you play it they will love it! And the more eye contact the better!

We also do A LOT of “itsy bitsy spider”…favorite songs with hand motions are forms of connecting and mirroring games too. Hope this gives you mommas some ideas…and I know most of you already do some of these without realizing they are also attachment exercises recommended in my stack of attachment books! SOO…there ya go! Next up…the family fellowship group!

Soo….do YOU have some attachment games you could share??? Would love to hear and get more ideas…so feel free to share!

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by admin

8 comments

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Kelly - January 18, 2011 - 8:30 am

This post is wonderful!! Thank you so much! Our son is 2 1/2 but he still loves these kind of games. He now talks in sentences and so something that I try to do a lot is having “My Favorite” conversations. I make sure he is sitting on my lap looking in my eyes and I ask, “What is your favorite…blue or green? Do you like dogs or cats better?” He loves it and we are having a conversation and I’m getting a lot of eye contact as well. Seems kinda basic but whatever works! 🙂

Elle J - January 18, 2011 - 9:28 am

I can visualize you doing all of these games with ITY, Andrea, and it totally makes me smile. Have a great day!!

Sam - January 18, 2011 - 11:00 am

I love, love, love to turn on music (any kind of music: veggie tales, irish instrumentals, tobymac) and dance with Naomi. She loves it. We just go “with it”. Sometimes she’ll stand and move on her own. Sometimes we’ll hold hands and sway. Sometimes I’ll hold her while we spin and bounce! It’s fantastic.

Allison - January 18, 2011 - 4:04 pm

These are great! We do a lot of this, as well. Some other things that have worked for us are rolling or bouncing a ball together, playing “Ride the Horsey”, having R run to me and then tickling her (you can keep this in your back pocket for later!). Sometimes when we tickle I build up the anticipation by saying “I think I’m going to tickle you on your _____” – that keeps her looking at me. Many times, I will also just touch my nose and say “look at mommy” (read that from another blog). Thanks for posting your ideas!

Rachel N - January 18, 2011 - 4:58 pm

Thank you Andrea. I really appreciate the dialogue and ideas on this topic. With our baby girl, now 14 mos, we have done most of the ideas you mentioned. Also, we do a lot of “where’s your nose? Where’s your eyes… Where’s Mommy’s nose, etc.” Or put a receiving blanket over both of our heads so we are looking at each other and giggling. And we dance together (with me holding her)… and of course, bottle feeding, even after the dr. said we could wean her. For our son, whom we brought home just before his 3rd birthday, we play catch, or roll a hotwheels car back and forth – we wait til he looks at our eyes before tossing/rolling the item back to him. Also, at bedtime, I give him a sippy cup as though feeding a baby (amazing to me, this activity was initiated by him at about the 2 month mark and we haven’t missed a night since.) He and my husband play “hug blitz” where they basically charge at each other, with eye contact, and then hug/wrestle. It’s loud and hilarious to watch. I’m sure there’s more; basically we’re just constant and intentional about eye contact throughout the day.

Martha - January 18, 2011 - 6:56 pm

These are awesome… sometimes I just can’t get my brain to be creative so these are awesome to have in your back pocket!

Cara - January 18, 2011 - 7:13 pm

Such good information you are sharing with us- love it!!! Thank you!

Jackie - January 22, 2011 - 10:53 pm

Andrea- We are home 3 months with our son… he came home at 1 year old. It is so good to hear that some days you have almost no eye contact, and have to step back and refocus on connecting. I can so relate to that… (like just this evening). Thanks for the facts about infants and the eye contact in those early months. I can really see this having bio children. I so want those connections to happen with my little guys!

Catching up and…More on Attachment

01.16.2011

SOOO…we were snowed/iced in for yet ANOTHER day on Friday!!! SO–the kids missed 5 days last week and it JUST SO HAPPENS Monday is a holiday (MLK Day!) SOO…we are hope AGAIN! Being stuck at home last week without being able to leave and drive…we had get creative. By Friday I was out of paint and play dough–so I pulled out the clay and toothpicks. Oh my…staying home and NOT LEAVING the house for a week…it’ll drive you crazy! BUT it did look like Frankie baby had fun:)
We made all kinds of dimensional shapes…And for the Frank fans;)…he wants to send you a…

OH…this boy is my HEART! LOVE him!

ALSO…on Sunday we had dinner with the Denton’s ONE LAST TIME IN THEIR OLD HOUSE…the house in our OLD neighborhood—the house we have SO many memories in!!! This was the hood we met in–and thankfully Aunt Nisia and other friends are still there so we don’t have to totally kiss that neighborhood goodbye. BUT we will miss this house as we have so many memories there. SO…we packed up and I had to hold my breath as I walked through…seeing it empty. I got emotional when we left this neighborhood…but never thought I’d get as emotional when the Denton’s left too. THANKFULLY they will be moving closer to us…so we are coping just fine;) Here the kiddos are having their last dinner in the house…baby William not so happy here..

So thankful for the memories in this neighborhood and thankful Isaac will still be a part of them! (Don’t some of you just have a special place in your heart for the first neighborhood you lived in and the memories there?!)

Aunt Nisia was telling me about hair twisting…and I have a feeling when she sees these pictures she is going to call me and tell me I did it all wrong!!! I think it looks a little too girly for our little man! Maybe the curls need to be smaller next time and it’ll be a little more hip…

This would be really fun on a little girl…sorry if you think it’s cute on him–but as soon as he wakes up this momma has got to pick it out and try something else:) Ready for Kristi Johnson’s and Nisia’s African Haircare talk at the retreat!!! As you can tell, I need it;)

ON ATTACHMENT…

First–Disclosure: I am NOT an attachment expert. BUT I have read so much about attachment as well as chosen to meet with an attachment therapist BECAUSE I’m not an expert. I take my mommying seriously–and I want to learn how to be a better parent to BOTH my biological children and Isaac. I also am not a parent who lives in denial saying that “my baby PROBABLY won’t have attachment problems”—because any child seperated from their birth mom at any point whether day 1 or day 2,000 will have attachment issues to some degree. I feel like it’s my job as a mom to KNOW what to look for, to KNOW my child and HOW he is crying for attachment help, and strategies to help him feel loved. I will also say there are some EXTREME attachment therapists and methods for healing out there–but the EXTREME is for the most part for the EXTREME attachment cases—and there are different degrees of RAD (RAD is an attachment disorder…it can be very mild or severe)…and many of our adopted children will have it at different degrees–but as we continue to pour into them consistently and through His love–and learn how to help them heal…HEALING IS POSSIBLE! It is NOT something to be afraid of (perfect love drives our fear…and our God is ABLE to heal these childen!)

First, there are not as many resources out there to read about attachment–but there are some out there that we found and loved. We loved Dr.Purvis’s book “The Connected Child”. I thought this book was written from a VERY hopeful perspective…so I would start here!!! Another favorite and MUST READ adoption book has been Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen. It was a WEALTH of knowledge from having a support group, rethinking your child’s journey to you (opens your eyes and helps the story NOT BECOME YOUR STORY…HOW YOU FOUND THEM…HOW YOU WAITED FOR THEM…HOW YOU LONGED FOR THEM…Because it is NOT your story—it is their’s…and that is where the heart of attachment begins is beginning to understand and try to identify with THEIR story and where they have been and what they have been through so far.) I also love the play therapy ideas in this book…just so many great things in this one. One last attachment book for you is this…Deborah Gray’s “Attaching in Adoption”. Thankfully–most adoption waits take around 1 year or so…plenty of time to read and take in these books. I underlined…highlighted…bookmarked…and have returned to these over and over and over again. I think these should be required readings of anyone adopting whether it’s bringing home a baby at day 1 or 15 years. I will say what I read made more sense AFTER we were home–but I was so thankful I had read before also.

Another resource helpful in developing our “beginning attachment plan” for our family was Nancy Thomas’s VERY short pamplet type book on “Taming the Tiger While It’s Still a Kitten”—you can read how we informed others of our plan and our ACTUAL plan here…from our June 15th post just before we traveled. It is SO important to let your friends and family know your attachment plan, explain WHY you have an attachement plan and how they can help you by supporting you during this time. This plan was for the first 3 months home…and then we changed it up for 3-6 months. We have been home almost 7 months now—and we have branched out JUST a bit. There is a small group of people Isaac will go to. WE (Richard or me) are the ONLY ones who still feed him (so he sees us as his caregivers and the ones who meet his needs). He still sleeps in our bedroom (in the office connected to our bedroom). I still hold him A LOT. And we do attachment exercises every day–nothing scheduled just randomly as I think of connecting and these really help me gage REALLY how he is attaching, if he is having a “good” attachment day and if I need to slow down and really connect/reconnect a bit more.

One reason it is so important to be educated on attachment–is children often can cover up their feelings and attachment disorder. It can very easily be overlooked…and then they hit ages 7+ when (according to the experts) attachment disorder symptoms really come out…and then you can’t go back–but there is STILL HOPE!! (There is ALWAYS, ALWAYS hope!) BUT the more you are educated in the BEGINNING–when your child is FIRST home…the better opportunity your baby, toddler or child will be able to connect and not struggle later with attachment problems. It would be very easy to just pick right up with life and boogie on–and for years you might think everything is just beautiful–but for this mommy…it’s just not worth the risk. Now that I know what to look for–it is very clear to me what we need to work on AND there ARE things we need to work on…but for my sweetie’s sake I don’t want to share too much as I know in years to come this will be more personal to him and hopefully something we have worked through.

I feel like it’s wiser for me as a mom to invest NOW rather than wait for bigger problems to surface–and the “attachment parent trainer” we talk to said most parents unfortunately wait until there are BIG problems to get help. BUT there is so much hope–and SO MUCH MORE HOPE if parents are educated BEFORE and know how to help their children now. SO MUCH HOPE!!! I believe Satan would want nothing more than for us to ignore this issue and let the problems escalate and mature–but God is bigger than that–and He is not only calling us to change these orphans from being orphans and to help them not only become but to also really FEEL like daughters and sons…WE know we love them…WE know they are loved as much as our biological childrena…but when a child has experienced trauma or change in caregivers or has been seperated from a birth mother they cover up their hearts over and over to survive and keep going. It’s like a onion, and we have to help them peel away layers one at a time so they can not only attach and connect to us–but with others as well.

Attachment problems also don’t just happen with adopted children–they can happen if a mom is depressed during pregnancy, if a baby/toddler/child was ill a lot–or undiagnosed pain (colic, ear infections, etc), frequent moves, changes in caregivers, going through a traumatic experience…the list goes on. SO…it is really good to know what to look for to see how your little one is connecting in general. Problems attaching will look different depending on age. An unattached baby may not want to look in your eyes—or rather he will—but only wants to look in your eyes on his terms (when HE wants to)…or he/she doesn’t want to hug you back or kiss you on your terms–but rather on his or her terms. A toddler may be hoarding food…and at other times inappropriately clingy or hyper. As they get older, children may be really chatty…talking about nothing all the time just to be chatty–tell lies for no reason (silly lies that don’t make sense to even lie about…like they forgot how to open the toothpaste lies)–and seem to often lack conscience. As you get to know your child–and as you PRAY for the Lord to give you wisdom ALSO using what you have learned from resources like those incredible books and experts in this area if you have them available in your area (I think it’s good for every family to have a “go to” help person if you and when you might need it…I’m personally just interested in knowing as much as I can so I love talking with any specialist I can…and want to learn WHAT to look for and HOW to love in the right way. And I love sharing what I learn with my other adoption friends who this is new territory for too…because I love their children and I want to see them heal and thrive just as much as my own children.

You see–loving will look different to these children with attachment problems. It will not be natural–just like it’s not natural to have attachment problems…and the reasons they have attachment problems in the first place is because things didn’t happen naturally for them. SO…we have to be equipped and ready–and ready to love in new ways. And to toss our pride in the trash can and denial too…acknowledge that our little ones will have lots of extra needs…they just will!…and part of our calling is to be ready and help them heal. As you see gains, it will become less unknown and you will begin to see attachment truly form–and it will even be fun on some days…while on others your heart may be heavy because it’s just one of those days (cast your burdens to Him because He cares for you!)

Ok…signing off–because you never know what our nights bring–but our little man has actually slept a bit more the last two nights so I am thankful!!! Our attachment therapist said it was actually a good thing he cries out for us at night (REALLY??? I’m not feeling that so much!)…BUT thankfully we are getting to the stage where he doesn’t need us as much at night and this has been on his own as he feels more and more secure and loved and attached. I’ve realized he sleeps better at night when I rock him longer–interesting, huh? Sooo…we’re still a work in progress–and we plan on being that for the next 18+ years. There can be fear in the unknowns, but you just have to give it over the Lord and ask Him to help you through it. And take ONE day at a time. And you have to…as my grandmother says—“also use the brain the good Lord gave you”…and read up and educate yourself too!

I’m here if anyone has questions on attachment–I most likely can’t answer them…but if I can I will—and if I can’t…I’ll connect you to someone who can. And I’ll post some attachment exercises you can each day in the week ahead. Sorry I won’t be as much help to those with older ones–but for those of you with 0-3 years these exercises will be great for you too. Hope you all have a great week!

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7 comments

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Lara - January 16, 2011 - 11:44 pm

I’m excited to hear some of the good stuff at the retreat about attachment. We definitely need to get reading on it.

I followed the discussion on th listserv last week about how to tell people that you will be initially parenting the adopted child a little differnently and I am already dreading trying to explain it. The problem is, the people who will have the hardest time understanding are the closest to us, parents, grandparents. I know they’ll think we’re just being nuts! But I suppose it’s better to hurt their feelings than overwhelm our child with a bunch of strangers.

Kellie - January 17, 2011 - 2:16 am

my husband and I are EARLY in the process of considering adoption (well, beyond considering, but not quite starting) … as I’ve been reading several books, I haven’t found a lot of specific information about attachment. Just that it’s something REALLY important to be educated about. So … thanks for the timely post and great resources in this area!

Allison - January 17, 2011 - 8:41 am

Hi Andrea,

This is a great post! I am coming to the retreat and wondered if you could give us ladies any advice on how to help our children while their mommies are gone for a few days. This will be the first time that I leave our adopted daughter (we’ve been home almost 9 months) and I’m a little worried about it attachment wise. If you or anyone you know might have some helpful tips or things to say/do to help reassure would be wonderful!

Allison

Jen Morgan - January 17, 2011 - 8:55 am

Would love to hear the exercises. We adopted B at 2 1/2-now almost 4. She is doing really well (still crawls into our bed in the middle of the night, needs mommy and daddy when she gets hurt, etc) but I think we can all benefit from attaching. I think of it as putting money in the bank because weare starting the process for another little one. Thanks for the reminder and the info. I also loved reading everything while waiting for B:)

Tiffany - January 17, 2011 - 9:52 am

This was so helpful to read today, as I am right now sitting in a hotel getting ready to head to the airport and get on a plane to Ethiopia. We get to meet our son!! I have not walked this road before, but I think prayer is a huge part of this. We have been praying for months that God would begin the healing process in our little guy’s heart and prepare his heart for us and our heart for him.

Sandi - January 17, 2011 - 2:43 pm

I love, love that you are touching on these important yet often ignored issues! After reading adoptee forums in researching adoption I have been shocked by how many adopted teens/adults feel detached & like they are “outsiders” in their own families/lives. Helping parents understand attachment, the brain, & the importance of building identity is going to help so many families. God is definitely working through you to be a light for so many families who are on this journey together!

Kelly Raudenbush - January 17, 2011 - 10:26 pm

Would you mind tweaking the section you wrote here about attachment and reposting it on We Are Grafted In? Our readers are always looking for information on attachment and I think your words here would be helpful — Let me know!

Transracial Adoption and Attachment

01.15.2011

On transracial adoption…a video I found that I think has value…(notice I said VALUE–not very exciting or “touchy/feely”…and this momma loves touch/feely…but I DO think there is some value in this one)…

These were ALL things we took very seriously when adopting transracially…

How would our family handle forever looking different (and how would be respond to the questions–and looks…not all approving…every where we went). Our family’s personality really did matter (and you can only imagine some of the funny or “wow” responses I give people who openly share their opinion with me.) I welcome strangers asking me sincere questions–but oh my…the not so nice looks from old white geezers…I just want to run and give them a big old hug and say THIS IS MY SON…WHOM I LOVE—and YOU look like you need some lovin’ on to!!!!!!!!!! And by the way…Jesus wasn’t white. AND if you believe in Santa…he isn’t either. HA! (Okay…just seeing if some of you are actually reading!)

Seriously–WAS our family ALREADY connected strongly with friends who “looked” like our son? This is important not as much for us–but FOR HIM!!! AND YES! We were! This was SO important to us!!! I’m not talking about you know Joe-Smo BUT that you are doing LIFE with people that look like your child…in the places that are most important to us…our neighborhoods, our schools, our churches. I wanted our son to have the joy of being able to go to THE barber (we have found an Ethiopian one!!! We’ll go there SOME…and other times…mommy won’t get to be the one to always take him because he can go with our friends and just feel normal!) AND church and…for once “not stand out”. NOW…Isaac hasn’t been able to mosey around town with anyone else BUT ME yes (because of attachment!) BUT…you better believe he will be spending LOTS of days with his godmother…and it just so happens one of my very best friends is African American—I heart you Momma Nisia and you know I couldn’t be on this journey without your love and support. It was important for us to have this very dear families support who also look like our son. VERY important for both us and him—but really for him mostly…which will also be for us as he gets to have that opportunity. As adoptive moms WE can say we don’t think this is a big deal—BUT talk to transracially adopted adults…or put YOURSELF in your day in and day out shoes of your sweetie…and before you know it–your mind is creatively thinking how you can put them in situations where they are treated like they some times long to be treated. (I know this can be uncomfortable for some people to process-and I was THIS close to NOT talking about…but it was on my heart…and I can’t always be Rosie fluff talk;). JUST sayin’.

Another question—would we be able to pour into HIS culture…which for us woud be a COMMITMENT…for our WHOLE family–committing to do things like take Arhamic lessons…travel to Africa (we already go once a year)…starting a Africa Family Fellowship…honoring Ethiopia holidays…and reaching out to Ethiopians in our community (YES, this would require LOTS of effort on our part!!!). Could we do this?? YES–it would be a commitment–but as we prayed we felt called to the challenge…it was one we felt called to!!! Imagine…God asking me to leave my comfort zone;). BUT it has been so god–AND we also have a long way to go!!! BUT thankfully we have the gift of time on our hands!!! (I always say if we adopt again I pray it’s from Ethiopia…because if the Lord calls us to adopt from the U.S. OR another country…I have ANOTHER culture to add…HOWEVER we could do it AND the Lord ALWAYS equips you for how He calls you! BUT just to be safe–Let me just cast my request of Ethiopia or the U.S. should He ask us to be crazy and grow again. I’d welcome the U.S. adopting transracially, too…because if you know me you KNOW I love me some Martin Luther King…and back when I was a middle school teacher I had his speech MEMORIZED and I’d shock my prodominantly white class by standing on my desk…giving that speech with gusto…and WITHOUT fail I ALWAYS got the standing ovation from my precious African American students (WHO by the way are some of my most favorite blog readers!!!)—I think God painted me the wrong color or something because I just LOVE the African American perservering tradition and soul in our country!)

I LOOOOOVE this next video the most of all!!!!! Transracial adoption IN NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF…but you absolutely have to be open to LIVING in a neighborhood where your child will be raised with kids that look like him, go to a church where your kids will see other kids and families that look like him (we go a church where our pastor is African American…there are also A LOT of transracial families AND lots of kiddos who have beautiful caramel skin just like my sweetie bug! SO important to us!!) There may be things you have to change in your life…maybe you don’t have to change EVERYTHING…but you might have to change some things–and that is part of the journey of being called to grow your family through transracial adoption!!! And IF you don’t live in a place that has a transracial family fellowship–then you do like we did… YOU START ONE!!!! It’s so awesome even for our biologocial kids to see other families who look like ours too!!! SO…I thought I’d end on you hearing from an “adult” who was adopted transracially. SO precious!

REMEMBER–1 John 4:18 “THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. BUT PERFECT LOVE DRIVES OUT FEAR.” TRUST the Lord to provide–and don’t expect opportunities to just knock on your door!!! Adopting transracially–whether from the U.S. or ANY other country IS a commitment…but OH SO WORTH IT!!!!

I WAS going to share a bit on attachment…but I guess I had more to share on transracial adopted than I realized!!! SO attachment…later in the week if I get a chance!!! I have been talking with an amazing local attachment therapist—and this is so, so important to know about and how to help your little ones heal! She has clients who have brought home babies from the hospital (at DAY ONE) all the way to teens…and she even counsels adults who were adopted. She said THE ONE common thing these adults ALL say is “I wish my parents had known about attachment!!!” You will not NOT have problems with attachment because you bring home a baby–attachment begins in utero…BUT there are SO MANY things you CAN DO to help with attachment!!! We have made HUGE, HUGE, HUGE gains at our house…and it’s been A LOT of work–but this, too, is so worth it!! I’d rather have counseling NOW than later! But it is OKAY if we have it later too!!! WE ARE ATTACHING…and I’m so thankful this is something the Lord put on my heart in the early stages and opened my eyes too!!! This is something we HAVE to talk about…be willing to walk through…and be trained to help our little ones heal!!! AND–THROUGH HIS STRENGTH AND HAND…ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!! MORE to come…I have to be rested for my night ahead-as you never know what it will bring…and part of our stage of attachment is not letting our little guy cry and meeting EVERY need. This is VERY different than parenting a child who has attached to me since utero…but there are gains EVERY day…and again SO WORTH IT!!! 6 months in and he now needs me to kiss booboos…he is LOOKING to me for healing…he REACHES for me when he gets hurt…he lays his head on my shoulder and chest when I rock him…he plays LOVINGLY with my hair when I sing to him…these are HUGE gains and we have worked so hard to get here—and while we have a way to go…it is so, so, so WORTH IT! SOOOOOO…be encouraged at whatever stage you are that perservering through those first stages really does pay off. More to come on attachment, etc soon! (I heart this topic!)

XOXO,

Andrea

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6 comments

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Mary - January 16, 2011 - 12:22 am

I would love to read more about bonding/concooing etc with adoption. I have 5 bio children (2-11yrs) and we hope to adopt toddlers/babies (siblings 0-3) next year.
I love your blog-it is so ‘clean’ and of course what you write is so inspiring!
Mary

Kelly - January 16, 2011 - 3:11 pm

Thanks for this post! I’ve seen the second video before and loved watching the young man and his mom. Speaking of funny looks or comments from strangers… My kiddos are 8 months apart and are very close is size but um…well, not in looks. 😉 I’ve had several people ask me if they were twins…I wasn’t really sure how to answer, but at least they are looking past the color of their skin! 🙂

Lori - January 16, 2011 - 3:21 pm

Andrea –

Thank you so much for writing this!!! My husband and I have just received our referral for a 5 month old baby boy and are trying to figure out how to put so many of these things in place while we are waiting to bring him home. The first 2 books that I pick up have to do with transracial families and totally see how important it is to have a “transracial community” in place for them. Unfortunately, we live in a very Caucasian area of town and I am wondering if you have any suggestions on how to create this type of community. Moving, of course, not an option. We are slowly meeting other families that are also adopting from Ethiopia which is a start. I would love your input!

Thanks for sharing! I look forward to hearing more from you attachment entry!!!

Ronna - January 16, 2011 - 5:37 pm

Thank you for posting this. It was an amazing read and totally inspiring.

Sophie - January 16, 2011 - 10:35 pm

Great video!! We are in the process of adopting our second child, which will make this child #7 and our state requires classes and the woman on the 2nd video with her son, was the instructor. She is amazing, and just a wealth of information, she really has some wisdom going on! Thanks for posting, I’ll have to show my hubby.

Katie - January 17, 2011 - 10:18 pm

I too would love some info on starting a transracial family fellowship in a “seemingly” white town. Any suggestions??