“Mommy. I love you.”

Yesterday, I had a mommy moment.

I tried to explain it to Rico Suave. I think he got it…but I really think it was a mommy moment…and I’m not sure anyone else would understand unless you are or have been right where we are.

Our youngest has been going through what I call a little power struggle since the day we met for some time now. It starts when he wakes up–and it seems to last until he goes to bed. If it hadn’t been for the insight and teaching I learned through Empowered to Connect, I might have just wanted to put my foot down and show him who rules the roost.

I get emails from parents starting the adoption process who are frustrated as they have started the home study journey and their coordinator has begun sharing with them that they may have to make some changes to their parenting strategies with children who have experience hard changes. Well-meaning parents want to do the SAME thing they have with all of their children without realizing what trauma to even 10 month old does to the brain. Babies, toddlers and older children who have experienced trauma or caregiver change can create a lack of trust and fear of using their voice that presents itself as a power struggle–and personally as a parent–my first reaction is often the wrong one–to stand firm on what I want because I want to show the child I am the parent INSTEAD of stepping back to see what is really happening.

Watch this video by Dr.Purvis on voice…

As an adoptive mommy, I have to step back and really listen to MY CHILD. The world will tell you what you need to do–and unfortunately there are few parenting books that address how to help a child heal rather than how to make him behave, be quiet and sleep through the night. You have to really tune the world out–some times even extended family who don’t get it. I have had the MOST hurtful (truly awful) things said to me by family about our adoption, how I talk about adoption and the choices we make in helping our child heal. The best advice I can give is this: LOVE YOUR CHILD. TUNE THE WORLD OUT–ESPECIALLY CRAZY PEOPLE…FORGIVE THEM AND LOVE THEM (so not be discouraged when you have family say wacky stuff to you–we all have them!)–I have learned that some can’t help that they are crazy or cruel…many of these were the ones who were hurt or experienced their own trauma as children and are still searching for a voice–so they want to make sure you and everyone else hears theirs. Hear their voice and love them…although it can be really hard. AND then…do what you are called to–INSTEAD–LISTEN TO THE LORD. FOLLOW HIM. And LOVE YOUR CHILD OUT OF HIS LOVE tossing all advice and books aside.

LOVE YOUR CHILD OUT OF HIS LOVE.

LOVE YOUR CHILD OUT OF HIS LOVE.

LOVE YOUR CHILD OUT OF HIS LOVE.

Every day is an opportunity for me to give my child voice and to build trust. We still struggle hourly with food issues and trust. EVERY single hour. I often get woken at 3am–now I know it is simple to see if I will come. And I do. Truly, it is so different that what this mommy knew before–and it is good, hard and refining…and eye opening. And more good than the other.

Yesterday, we were having an “almost 3 year old moment” (because 3 has always been harder than 2 in our house)…and it was centered around food having just had snack. I know it shouldn’t have frustrated me–but when it seems it’s every hour of every day…some days it does make me cross eyed. I ran my little bugaboo upstairs to give him some other choices in play rather than food–and to be honest, I wasn’t being authentic or sincere. I felt tired and very fake offering the choices…there wasn’t love in my voice–just fatigue. I laid him down to change his diaper and our eyes met–and he smiled at me…and my heart melted.

I asked him to forgive me for being tired–for being unauthentic–for not always knowing what to do…for not always being the best mommy. Not knowing if he was understanding any thing I was saying–he kept his eyes on mine and smiled. He got up and ran to the door to go play with the other children…and I sat there on his nursery floor with my hands over my eyes asking for strength and wisdom in parenting in a new way that is new territory for this mom. There are still new behaviors I’ve never seen…yet each day…there is more wholeness in my babe’s heart and I see more and more trust and less and less fear.

“Mommy.”

I looked up to see my babe peaking in the door way. “What is it baby?”

“I love you.”

He said it first.

I’ve said it a MILLION times..and he has smiled. But yesterday…he said it first.

In the last year and a half, I’ve seen some really hard and yucky places in my heart and as a mommy I’ve often struggled quietly with the unexpected and new territory. Yesterday was a reminder for me to continue to trust the Lord in this journey…to love as He loves…and to step back and be creative in seeing things in a new light…to not trust in my own strength or what I have experienced or think I now from parenting in the past–but to be open to learning new ways from those who have gone on this journey before me–and most importantly listening to my child and following the Lord’s lead in how to love him best. The rewards and fruit may take years to come–but when they do come…on their own and with authenticity–how great they are.

“Mommy…I love you.” I pray I never forget that tone…the sweetness…the realness–said from a place of trust and love. Help me Lord to do the right thing each day in my parenting and to love each of my children deeply out of YOUR love and not my own. Amen!

May He guide each of you as you love your children deeply today…

Andrea