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“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to hard you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

As I reflect on 2015–I’m overwhelmed again. With thanksgiving. Because–again it was hard. A GOOD HARD. It was hard because once again–as believers–as we do every year–Richard and I as a couple and as a family we wrestled with our flesh. Yet we listened and followed Jesus.

I’m not going to lie…I struggled wanting some “good” but selfish things. I can argue like no man’s business how we deserve them, need them…how having them would strengthen our bond as a family–how God wants us to have good things and we should live richly in His bountiful blessing. But again this year…He led us away from some things that (you my sweet friend) might laugh at me for struggling with wanting or wanting to justify. Only–having some of these things or choosing them instead…would have been saying no to some pretty crazy things Jesus WAS calling us to.

In 2015–I wanted to go to Disney with the kids. We went once 2 years ago. But this year…again…we didn’t. I wanted to go on a family vacation. Even just a quick weekend to the beach. But it wasn’t in the cards–because saying yes to that would have meant saying no to some other things. I wanted to get away with Richard–to just breath. Some times at night I would get on Groupon just to see if that was a steal of a deal getaway that we could go on the fly on. But none of these wants were in the cards for us this year. And–I am thankful. (Please hear me there is absolutely no judgement at all for anyone doing any of these things…because golly–I was DYING to say yes to these…and there have been times in the past where Jesus made a way and DID lead us to do these things to connect us as a couple or as a family! They are GOOD things!! But in the light of eternity–what God was calling us to really look at this year–we had to say no…and silly ole me–struggled with not having these 1st World luxuries that we have often had in the past.)

Then. I watch Francis Chan talk about living for eternity. And I realize that we did live big in 2015. We lived beyond our means in following God in some pretty crazy ways and HE provided ways for us to say no to those other okay, cool experiences because He had much bigger plans for us. And as hard as it is I want 2016 to be the same. This is a must watch as you start 2016…

I’m so thankful that 2015 brought 2 foster and adoptive mom’s retreats with Created for Care in February and March…and a Fabulous Forty Retreat in April. Saying no to the things my flesh struggled with meant Richard could go to Africa in May–and we spent June watching our 9 year old daughter paint and fundraise to go with me to Africa in July. I returned with an awful parasite and mono…and a month later in September we found out after 7 years of not being able to have a baby–we were expecting. There were things we said yes to this year that I can’t share here–but they were not easy to say yes to…and they left us on our knees, in tears and starting over in some pretty hard ways for our kids and family…YET–we are certain we said yes to Jesus. Saying no to all of these would have made for a pretty comfortable year…and some days–I just want that. This is not for YOU…but for ME–to remember that next year…I will struggled again. I will struggled with wanting to step back, to have/want/pursue “normal” things, and to some times not serve when serving means being uncomfortable…like some times sacrificing in ways that leave my heart torn in two. I will (and you will probably too) struggle with saying yes to Jesus–or comfortable in 2016.

COMFORT. Easy. To go with the flow instead of against the grain. Saying yes to Jesus often has led us to walking through some pretty difficult waters–yet He has been with us and we have sensed His presence and guidance every step of the way. 2016 will be no different if we ask Him to use our hands and feet. Yet–I want to start 2016 and say that I am ready.

I have already told my husband that I *do* really want to go to Disney with the kids in 2016 after the baby comes. (Just being honest–and I also think it’s okay to want these things.) I also want to open my hands and say that if He says no again to these little wants of this momma’s heart–to follow Him in different places–for the sake of eternity…that I DO want that MORE.

In 2016, I want to put EVERY SINGLE THING before Him and ask Him if it IS His will–and only follow again what He is telling me to walk forward and do for His glory and not my own. I confess–that I don’t want to be uncomfortable…but I want to tell Jesus that more than comfort in 2016–I want His will to be done in my life and in the life of my family. I want to be intentional with relationships…less friendships online–and more across the table. I want to put down the squares (anything technology) in my life more often and pour out in “real” life more and more. I want to focus more on what HE THINKS rather than what people of this world think–and live for the audience of One. I want to breath life into others–encouragement, peace and truth–after I first let HIM be the one that fills my cup.

What if…what if we had said YES to the things we wanted? All good things–but we could have missed AMAZING. Because His stories–what He has for us…really–is SO MUCH BETTER than what we could have wanted for ourselves!

May 2016 be a year that leaves me typing the same reflection…where I didn’t get everything *I* wanted but received everything I needed–and saw Him do miracles as leaps of faith were taken over and over again. I think our flesh deep down always begins wanting the year ahead to bring us good things…dreaming of the things we may not have received in the last year that our flesh still wants…yet also deep down–we want nothing more as believers to have the decrement, self control, desire and passion to want even MORE whatever He wants for us–believing that He truly is for us…and has great big plans for us in 2016…to prosper us in ways we can’t imagine and to bring us much hope and an unimaginable, beautifully written future.

Standing with you–excited for what is to come–and trusting BIG for great things in the year ahead! A look at 2015 here…so thankful for these memories and the story each picture holds!

 

 

May He be with you this year ahead every step of the way!

Blessings,

Andrea

This morning I turned 39. Never ever did I expect to be expecting at 39. Never ever did I ever think we would have six children. Yet–this…THIS is the sweet gift of all.

We always dreamed of a big family. But to me, a big family in our culture meant 3 MAYBE 4 kids. But there are some things you just don’t plan when you put them in God’s hands. Even growing by adoption, as planned as that may seem–when you know in your heart and you are walking with Jesus–you just know the next steps for your family no matter how crazy or big or uncertain it may feel.

In August of 2009 we shared here–my first post ever–about the Lord calling us to grow to 4 through adoption. At the time, we thought, “Wow. We are completing our family in such a sweet, unexpected way.” What a journey it was bringing home our Isaac. At 8 months, he weighed less than all my newborns and when we picked him up at 1 year he was just 10 pounds. We were told he may never sit, walk and would certainly have many delays–yet therapy after therapy we saw God’s healing, miraculous hand and this past Fall I stood on the sidelines watching this child jump airborne over and over to stop goals for his soccer team and cheer his teammates on. We were prepared for anything, and received over and over the unexpected—such a sweet gift each milestone and achievement.

 

I had no idea what I was missing as I had raised typical kids with the biggest challenge being something like dyslexia and had no idea how sweet the physical milestones would be after years of physical therapy…to find us where we are now.

Then we received an unexpected surprise a few years later that we were expecting. I’ll never forget the day I found out. We were hosting a precious teenager, and I raced to a baby store to buy Richard a gift to surprise him. I found it–a sweet simple frame with a bow with the words “Love at first sight”. I put a little note in it and took it to his office. Our hosted teenager was with me–but not able to speak or read English she just thought that delivery was a simple errand in our day. We set that frame on Richard’s dresser and for weeks I prayed about our sweet baby while focusing on the daily of caring for our 4 children and a precious teenager we were also praying for.

Then in September–I shared our news. Our loss. It was also unexpected…as losses always are–especially for our hearts. Traumatic is the only word that I can describe it best as we chose to try and let nature take it’s course after the heartbeat stopped. But unfortunately I still needed surgery, so it felt so drawn out…both the loss and the grief. I look back and read through some of those posts that follow, and oh my GRACIOUS…to see now what God was doing.

Then I never thought I’d say it–but our loss was a baby…a sweet angel…who led us to our next baby. Just one month after that September 2012 post on our loss–on October 18th we shared we had been matched with a baby boy. We didn’t have a completed home study. We had no plans to adopt again. But as I sat rocking in my chair one night I told Richard I was going to spend the time thinking of my loss praying for children who also had loss. I prayed for children who had lost their parents and I stumbled across a picture of my son–who was waiting on a “Special Focus” list–which meant he had been on a wait-list for so long and also had a special need that was considered immediate–and we didn’t even need a home study to be matched. We only had to complete one and our dossier within 6 months–which we did in just a few;) Seven months later we found ourselves HERE–in the airport returning home…just a couple months after our due date for our little one that I’m quite sure was on the cheering committee helping the process speed up a bit;)

Our loss helped me see loss differently for my boys. I knew how much they had lost…their birth families, their cultures, their birth countries, familiar language, caregivers who had watched over them like mothers in their orphanages…just so much. But I didn’t grasp their loss until I experienced loss too. Their tears at night took on deeper meaning. Instead of wanting to be immediately accepted as mommy and hugged back, I understood they needed time and I’d wait by their bedsides until they were ready to let another mommy love them. When they finally folded into me as mom, I knew healing was happening–and after our loss…it took my breath away in ways I hadn’t experienced in our adoptive parenting before until this personal journey of loss ourselves. I felt we had a different, deeper bond–and this loss…this precious angel that awaits us in heaven…had given us the sweetest gift–to both us and our boys…connecting deeper that I knew possible as I understood their hearts in a way there are no words for.

While I’d give anything in the world to have gotten to hold our baby girl–if asked to rewrite the script–I know that part where she goes to be with Jesus is one of the most beautiful, sacred, ordained parts. If asked to type it out–I’d do it with tears. And it’d be very, very slow and probably erased a few times and then rewritten. Because I know that’s part of His story for us. A part that I see NOW needed to be written. But she will always be longed for and I can’t wait to see Jesus and then race to twirl that little bug around!

God uses loss to write a more beautiful story, but it doesn’t mean He replaces or fills that loss. Some losses can never and will never and should never be filled or replaced. Yet that picture frame…remained. Empty–on Richard’s dresser. There were times I wanted to give it away. But I couldn’t. I felt the Lord had a newborn for us still…maybe adoption–certainly I was getting too old to have another. Good grief…how would one chase 5 kids and have another as she approached 40? More power to the Duggars–but that ain’t happening over here y’all.

I held onto that frame–and decided to keep it and pray that while God doesn’t replace loss–I prayed He would one day bring us a baby’s picture to put in it. That felt like a crazy prayer. Very few knew I was praying for that…and I didn’t expect the feelings and emotions when we found out we were expecting last Fall.

This has truly been one of the most holy, sacred pregnancies. In my 20’s and early 30’s I was very naive. I thought a pregnancy meant you had a baby. Since then, I’ve seen so much. I’ve sat beside more friends who had the holy privilege of holding their babies for a few hours before they sent them to be with Jesus and countless friends like me who had miscarriages.

Pregnancy after loss–and even after adoption–has take on holy ground. For the first trimester, each day was a praise. Each day I expected or thought, “What if today is the day?” This is something every mom goes through in her pregnancy after a loss. Each night when everything still seemed okay, I dropped to my knees and just thanked Him for another day. With every moment of sickness their was rejoicing. And now with flutters–and feeling baby kicks–even more rejoicing. Each day is such a gift–and I’m trying my best to just enjoy each day without worry–knowing that He is the author of our story…of our baby’s story…and He can be trusted no matter what.

I moved that frame on Richard’s bed beside mine…right after I filled it. Nothing had ever been there. Looking back I know He knew. He knew I did buy it for my baby girl…that one…and this one too. I had no idea. I’m thankful I didn’t at the time. And I’m so thankful for the story He has written between then and now. I’m thankful I clung close to Jesus during our loss…and followed His prompting to pray for children who had also experienced loss. I’m thankful how He used that to lead us to our son in China. I’m so thankful how He used our loss to lead us deeper to connecting to the hearts of our boys…and that He gave us several years to do that before writing more to our beautiful story. I’m thankful for the picture that sits in this frame and for that baby girl whose heart is still beating and little feet are kicking on this mom’s 39th birthday today. Truly–this is the sweetest gift.

So while I woke this morning to super heroes shouting…and I made my own birthday breakfast to have those super heroes ask for it. I scooted over in my robe and shared with my boys whose hearts are so tender and dear to me. I got to sit and write and remember His faithfulness and how beautifully He writes our stories today…and reflect on the sweetest gift of how He uses our loss to write beauty from ashes. Our baby in heaven is such a sweet part of our story–just as pivotal and important as the others…and that once grief as turned to the sweetest aroma of joy and future hope–something to really look forward to one day in heaven. I can’t believe the Lord gave me another baby—a picture to put in this frame…and the gift to know each day really is a miracle. Never will I take these gifts for granted…and I sit here today with a full, happy heart…thankful I asked Him to be the author of my story.

May your days be sweet as you follow Him.

Love,

Andrea

 

Where oh where does time go?! December first is here! Which means…well, 1–it’s the most wonderful time of the year of course!! BUT–it also means my only girl has a birthday. No more SINGLE digits here for my princess as she turns 10!!! Oh my what JOY this little girl has brought into our lives the last 10 years!

That’s our Laney loo on the left and her friend Elise Bolden on the right! Crazy that these two are STILL friends!

Oh Laney Loo we love you!! She’s our sweet princess…she’s always been so dainty and sweet…and some how stayed that way with FOUR brothers! Love exudes from this child’s heart and her love for Jesus overflows into our home. AND she’s super fun…can’t you tell…

So thankful how the Lord has grown this girl for the last 10 years…and oh my–I wish I had 10 more years of her in my home but I’m afraid we have less than that as this determined kiddo is always working ahead. Had to include a picture of her with her best friend her cousin Emma…those two are so much like me and my sister…I just love the friendship they share. Happy 10th birthday to my girl…and I can’t wait to celebrate with you next weekend after the crazy of the Nutcracker comes to an end!

AND…I just have to throw in as always any time we get a Princess Tetiana fix…LOOK who was at our farm this weekend?! She was QUITE the sport (as always!) and was just for taking a picture of Santa. Just in case you wondered…THIS is the real Santa;). Oh my WORD. He told the children the REAL meaning of Christmas–the most precious thing you have ever heard. He said he brings gifts just 1 day a year, but if you look to and follow Jesus you will soon see that He brings gifts EVERY day of the year!!

Santa has grandchildren adopted from China and Africa…and his prayer over our family was a tear-jerker. I didn’t expect his sharing that way with the kids and oh my–when he asked to pray with them…I melted!

And then of course it was fun with Tonya’s family—which always means sundaes! How much fun that 3 years later we are now extended family with this amazing family! No holiday is complete without time together!!!

Then–Richard and the kids pulled out the decorations. Deep down I wanted to decorate;)–but I decided to just let them play with all the decorations for a few hours before I actually moved after all the turkey overload;)

Okay…okay. So I finally moved and decorated–and I’m glad I did. And we are also really excited to share we will have a 2nd annual Worship Night on the Farm on December 19th!! So mark your calendars and save the date!!! We’d love to have you, your family and friends join us!

So that’s all in between homeschool craziness and momma is also really looking forward to another break;) I told you I’m not a natural homeschooler;) May you have blessed season soaking up the joy of Christmas and time with your family!

Blessings,

Andrea